Setting: A dimly lit, smoke-filled room. A scrawny, grey-haired, spectacled gentleman sits at his desk, contemplating retirement while tapping his loafers on the Plasticine that protects his plush, office carpet from the rolling wheels of his chair.
Two younger, suited gentlemen walk into his office with manila folders stuffed under each arm. The bulges in their jacket pockets indicate they’re both carrying firearms.
“What do you have for me this morning, boys?” asks the elder statesman as he extinguishes his cigarette in the butt-filled ashtray on his desk. He blows Dr. No-like smoke swirls in their general direction.
“You’re gonna love this, boss. Twenty more names. Good ones too,” they answer, almost in unison.
“Jeter?” shouts the crotchety old commissioner.
“No, sir. Still no Jeter,” the officers reply timidly, knowing their answer would disappoint.
An uncomfortable silence takes over the room as the agents await their next directive.
“Well, these will have to do. Show me what you have.” He leans forward. The agents nervously hand over their folders.
“Good. Gooooood,” murmurs the commissioner, “Rodriguez and Braun again? Are we sure?”
“By all accounts, sir, yes,” they respond, knowing this could come as no surprise.
“What about Bonds and Clemens? Any news on them?” barks the commissioner, knowing what answer was forthcoming.
“We’ve got Oprah and Katie working on it full-time, sir. Still nothing.”
“Bastards,” the venerable commissioner mumbles under his breath as he sifts through the lengthy list of names the agents had compiled.
Another awkward silence blankets the room as the commissioner grabs his thumb-worn, gold-plated lighter from his vest pocket. He lights another Marlboro. The cool exhale puts his cohorts as at ease as they could be.
“So what next, boss?” one of them asks, ever eager to remove himself from his presence.
“Gentlemen, in case you haven’t heard,” he takes another puff, “my legacy is to rid this game from the scourge of steroids.” He exhorts with a presidential tone, authoritative yet insincere. “I will not leave this office until every pill, clear, cream and syringe is removed, not only from the game, but from the minds of fans as well!”
The agents secretly look forward to his eventual successor although they would never say so, at least not to his face. They leave the room after being dismissed, glad the meeting had adjourned and already dreading the next one.
The commissioner’s beady eyes follow until the door closes softly behind them. He sits and wonders how everything had gone horribly wrong as the echoes of commissioners past ring disapprovingly in his head.
Outside his office, a casually dressed, greasy-haired gentleman awaits, bringing news that will upset an already troubled tenure.
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Selig has been a bumbling moron all along ! Ive said repeatedly that Tony Bosch (founder of Biogenesis) and Biogenesis had something to hide and his company essentially simply carried on where BALCO (Bay Area Laboratory Co) Victor Conte left off . How the hell were fans and MLB hierarchy not able to realize that ? Yet you still have fans talking about fantasy baseball and the game as if it still has some moral and social value . A big crock of fecal matter .
Left you a response to the NBA Finals` piece . ` You also missed an earlier article .
A call to arms
Bud Selig says there is no need for Robert De Niro to be cast as him in the role of the commissioner . Rumor has it , he would like to have Harrison Ford portray him after his compassionate and emotional portrayal of Branch Rickey in the movie 42 .
A Rod can be portrayed by none other than himself . Ryan Braun can be portrayed by Justin Bieber .
Enough with the steroids already…I mean who really gives a crap anymore? Sports is entertainment. If the entertainer is willing to risk his long term health to increase my viewing pleasure (as well as fatten his paycheck because of increased stats), I say let em…They’re doing it anyway.
I know purists like to sit on thier perch and look down their noses at athletes who juice, but it’s all about getting that competetive edge….Think of it as an accountant finding tax exemptions for you…Would you take them, or because you think it’s “wrong” would you let Uncle Sam keep that dough?
Another angle is like the flopping in the NBA…They do it because it works for them…Even though it’s lame, it gives them a leg up. I see steroids the same way. Watching Gagne and Kevin Brown on the juice was epic. As soon as it was removed from the equiasion, mediocrity ensued.
Like I said, if they’re willing to risk their health for my entertainment, let em. It’s not like they don’t know the risk…Kinda like cigarette smokers nowadays. Can claim you didn’t know they’re harmful.
When new technology comes along, you adapt or get run over…or do you still watch movies on a VCR? Adapt and improve or get passed by.
You know I’ve smoked a lot of grass
O’Lord, I’ve popped a lot of pills
But I mever touched nothin’
That my spirit could kill
You know, I’ve seen a lot of people walkin’ ’round
With tombstones in their eyes
But th pusher don’t care
Ah, if you live or if you die.
God damn, the pusher
God damn, I say the pusher
I said God damn, God damn the pusher man. Steppenwolf
So George Karl is now out as coach of the Nuggets ? Great a wonderful way to close out the off season in the NBA with a plethora managerial firings by a bunch of moronic general managers within the league itself .
I can only hope Selig ends up like an Amish massage parlor…. No happy ending!
Great approach to writing on an important topic, Chris. I suggest Karl Malden play Selig and Burt and Kirk the two heavies. Is that Veronica Lake at the secretary’s desk ready to file the reports? The Plasticine is a nice touch. Good screen plays are bringing mid-six-figures in Tinseltown, I’m told. This has the makings of one.
Donald Trump is said to be angered by the allegations surrounding A Rod . The billionaire tv personality said to be seeking legal advice from his own inhosue legal team to see whether or not he can legally sue the player . Trump is a publicity seeking w@@re . While A Rod simply a steroid w@@re .
It’s already happening. Bosch’s credibility is coming into question.
Look, nobody thought Jose Canseco was credible either but… he was telling the truth. Is Bosch?
Hmmmm, who would play Selig in the movie? My screenplay hasn’t gotten that far into production but I’m sure we can get the guy who played the CryptKeeper in those old HBO specials to do it.
Oh wait, that was a doll? Damn, the resemblance is striking.
I agree with you and I think most sports fans would these days.
Years ago, I compared athletes taking steroids to Hollywood actors and actresses undergoing plastic surgery to further their careers. Do you mean to tell me Selma Hayek’s “enhancements” didn’t increase her box office value?
Still waiting on you to pop in one karaoke night.
You have to commend the job Karl did with the Nuggets this year but in the end, they couldn’t see eye to eye on a contract extension.
It’ll be interesting to see who takes that job, how the team responds and where Karl ends up.
Amish massage parlor, Han?
Sounds like another reality TV show I don’t want to watch… and I can’t imagine those wooden boards are all that comfortable to lay on.
Suddenly, I’ve got a hankering for some “Kingpin.”
I’ll tell you what served as the inspiration for this post.
Not sure how big of a Saturday Night Live fan you are but back in the day, Phil Hartman did a pretty good Ronald Reagan impression.
There was one lesser known skit I’ll always remember.
As you might recall, towards the end of his days, Reagan was perceived as a old fart with others in his cabinet making all the decisions. Hartman disagreed as you’ll see on the link below, playing a soft Reagan for photo shoots and interviews but a commandeering Reagan when talking to his staff about Iran-Contra.
Same thing with Selig. He may play the fool but can’t you just see him bossing everyone around behind closed doors?
Watch and enjoy!
I’m not sure I get the whole connection between Trump and Rodriguez.
Are they poker buddies or something?
Her python dance in From Dusk Till Dawn is as engrained in my mental spankbank as Phoebe Cates emerging from that pool in Fast Times. Who says nothing lasts forever? Hooray for Hollwood.
Here’s some more of Hollywood’s lesser known but still high quality moments:
The scene in the Golden Child where Eddie Murphy and his female sidekick break into that house, she hangs from the pipes on the ceiling, wearing that white shirt when the water splashed upon her.
The scene in Bachelor Party where Adrian Zmed brings Tom Hanks into the hotel suite bedroom to meet his high school sweetheart, minus the nun head, of course.
And how about a double shot of Rosie Perez: Spike Lee icing her down in her Bed-Stuy apartment and then her wearing that tank top drinking vodka out of the bottle in White Men Can’t Jump.
I could go on for hours.
I can also eat a peach for hours.
Yes, most of us feel that if players want to take steroids, then BFD let them.
The other side of the coin is that some players want to play pro ball without being on the gas. Should they have to juice just so they can compete?
Good stuff Chris. I guess it’s just me, but I’m still waiting for Pujols to be named in some type of PED scandal. It just seems like it fits….
Only truth serum knows for sure, or Wonder Woman’s lasso.
We may never know who juiced and who didn’t and at this point what baseball player’s word is worth a damn?
I agree, Tim.
Guy’s starting to break down and not putting up the numbers he used to.
Let’s just say, that news wouldn’t surprise anybody at this point.
Not his name, not anyone’s.
Grown men juicing for money? Who cares!
My grandsons having to juice to make the varsity. I care a lot!
By the way, my daughter just moved to South Tampa. I just may pop in some night.
‘Bout damn time, Aer.
So how do athletes make the transition from high school to college to the pros?
When do they start taking PEDs?
Do we even know?
Nuggets` owner Stanley Kroenke is the son-in-law of the late Sam Walton of Wal Mart fame . Kroenke is prone to ruining a number of the sports franchises he tends to come into contact with . Colorado Avalanche , Nuggets , Arsenal FC of the Premiership (EPL) , Colorado Rapids (MLS) and I believe the St Louis Rams .
I am of and believe in the the old adage ……… what happens in Vegas , stays in Vegas . And Stanley Kroenke should not be allowed a sports` franchise outside the state of Colorado , if at all possible . The Rams don`t count , do they ? LOL,LOL !!
So you believe I was being somewhat ambivalent with regard to my piece on the NBA Finals preview ? I believe my comments were right on the mark , on how this series could end up . Especially after last S night`s evidence as proof .
Looking forward to follow up comment from you !
Everyone is miffed at this latest furor in baseball ? Anthony Bosch has a credibility problem ? So what about baseball`s image , credibility and the fact that , Bud Selig is earning in excess of $25 million a year ? All I hear now, is real banality in terms of the comments and no real call as to a meaningful solution . Now you have the MLBPA (Players` Union) actually seeking out legal maneuvers to defray any type of what they believe will be overzealous punishment likely to be meted out by te league (MLB) . Hypocrisy in baseball and apathy amongst the fans . The two go hand in hand .
Bosch and his company Biogenesis are simply carrying on where Victor Conte and BALCO left off . Haven`t you began to realize that by now ? .
If youre looking for real stupidity , consider te fact tat te NFL is now marketing its own brand of supplements . Yet most recently it was discovered tat a number of te products did in fact in a number of cases contain banned substances tat tey temselves mandated as being illegal under te CBA (collective bargaining agreement wit te NFLPA . So one size does fit all wen it comes to gross incompetency in Nort American professional and collegiate sports
God bless Roger Goodell and Bud Selig , having imbued them with the intelligence of anal retentive individual . I hear upon retiring from their respective positions they may well consider the leap to the US Congress .
The only thing that Trump and A Rod have in common is that they bot are close to , or are billionaires . A Rod over the course of is career will have earned close half a billion dollars ($500,000,00) , whereas Donald Trump is now worth $2.0 billion and counting .
I thought this might pique your interest . as it never rains but it does at times continuously pours down with rain . . Please tell me that Chris Perez really does have a medical problem to have that much drugs delivered to his home ?
And by the way are there that many players now in baseball who are actually suffering with ED (erectile dysfunction) that they need that much added testosterone ?
Courtesy of MLB.com
Is Perez suffering from glaucoma or some other affliction that he needs the weed ?
Creative and humorous. When do we get to meet commish’s ex-playmate secretary?
The Nuggets have built a solid foundation under Karl. Like I said, it’ll be interesting to see who they land as his replacement and whether that team buys into the new coach’s system. At least they’re far closer to being relevant than my Orlando Magic.
Major League Baseball is such a mess, Al. The entire sport from top to bottom has become a comedy of errors. No wonder nobody watches anymore.
I mean, at this point, what else could possibly go wrong?
If that’s the case, I’m hoping Selig is taking some ageless male.
And you know what your secretary reference reminded me of?
When Burt Reynolds had to sleep with Bernadette Peters in the original “Longest Yard.” Priceless.