Apparently some of us are having a tough time keeping our clothes on these days.
With this ring, I do shed. Clothing, that is.
I happened upon the following two stories the very same afternoon.
First, an Orlando man was recently arrested for proposing to his girlfriend while naked. Ah, love is in the air. The only problem was… he went to the wrong house to pop the question. I can’t imagine where he hid the wedding ring.
Thomas Edwards, the disrobed proposer, was promptly arrested when the people who resided at the home of the door he knocked on, called the local authorities, who fortunately, arrived in uniform. Edwards was charged with indecent exposure as well as battery after ‘head-butting’ an officer, which I guess now has new meaning, considering Edwards was naked when he accosted the policeman.
No word as to whether the lucky bride-to-be said yes.
I then read that the Discovery Channel is hosting a new television series called “Naked and Afraid” where a couple, with not even a loincloth, is dropped into the wilderness, i.e. some Hollywood set, and forced to do whatever it is that they do on reality TV shows: find a destination point, eat nothing but fruits and berries, meet Ryan Seacrest, all the while hoping to find a tank top and some shorts. Can’t somebody just get them a Macy’s gift card and save us all the trouble?
Look, I’m all for birthday suits, but there’s a time and a place. As Jerry Seinfeld once told us, there’s good naked and bad naked and these are both examples of very bad naked.
Speaking of naked…
I live in a gated community.
It keeps the hordes of reckless, SportsChump fanatics from beating down my door. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.
As the gates generally remain closed, requiring a residential key to enter, and I have no landline in my apartment to buzz someone upstairs, I have to walk down three flights from my palatial SportsChump penthouse to allow any guest entry.
Well, the other day, I walked downstairs to open the gate in the pouring rain. The pellets were coming down pretty good as they tend to do in the Florida summertime.
That got me thinking, however, what do prostitutes do in the rain? Not the high class, thousand-dollar-a-night call girls that you have delivered to your hotel room at Caesar’s Palace, of course. I’m talking about the blue-collar working girls that you find on the seedy side of town, the black market hookers doing their best to earn a quick buck. What do they do when it downpours?
Inclement weather affects some industries more than others. I spent a summer on Martha’s Vineyard whoring myself out in the landscaping business. If it rained that morning, the boss would call it a day. I’d stay in bed. Rainy nights also tend to be bad for the bar industry.
But what of the dedicated call girl? What if she has bills to pay? Does she tough it out? Does her forgiving ‘love broker’ give her the night off or does she plan ahead by checking weather.com and bringing an umbrella to match her sequin tube top and ultra-short skirt? Inquiring minds want to know.
In Brazil, they don’t have “Give a Whore an Umbrella” Day but they do have International Prostitute Day. I’m not sure whether that includes Buy One, Get One Free specials.
In an effort to promote safe sex among its population, the Brazilian Health Ministry recently released a slogan which read “I’m happy to be a prostitute.” It’s good to have goals.
Needless to say, the religious right opposed the campaign which was later switched to far more tame “Not ashamed to use a condom.”
I spent a summer in Brazil many moons ago and never realized that prostitution was legal. Perhaps I should have done more research.
Brazil’s national soccer team just won FIFA’s 2013 Federation Cup. They will also be hosting the upcoming World Cup in 2014. (Suddenly, half my readers just booked a flight). A boom in the prostitution industry is expected. I hope those poor girls are resting their bucetinhas while they can.
If you go, please be sure to bring an umbrella, in case it rains. And if you fall in love and decide to propose, please do so with clothes on just in case. Oh, and use a condom. The country’s health ministry frowns upon not doing so.