Chumpservations, Vol. 28: Nakedness, nakedness and more nakedness

Apparently some of us are having a tough time keeping our clothes on these days.

With this ring, I do shed.  Clothing, that is.

I happened upon the following two stories the very same afternoon.

naked weddingFirst, an Orlando man was recently arrested for proposing to his girlfriend while naked.  Ah, love is in the air.  The only problem was… he went to the wrong house to pop the question.  I can’t imagine where he hid the wedding ring.

Thomas Edwards, the disrobed proposer, was promptly arrested when the people who resided at the home of the door he knocked on, called the local authorities, who fortunately, arrived in uniform.  Edwards was charged with indecent exposure as well as battery after ‘head-butting’ an officer, which I guess now has new meaning, considering Edwards was naked when he accosted the policeman.

No word as to whether the lucky bride-to-be said yes.

I then read that the Discovery Channel is hosting a new television series called “Naked and Afraid” where a couple, with not even a loincloth, is dropped into the wilderness, i.e. some Hollywood set, and forced to do whatever it is that they do on reality TV shows: find a destination point, eat nothing but fruits and berries, meet Ryan Seacrest, all the while hoping to find a tank top and some shorts.  Can’t somebody just get them a Macy’s gift card and save us all the trouble?

Look, I’m all for birthday suits, but there’s a time and a place.  As Jerry Seinfeld once told us, there’s good naked and bad naked and these are both examples of very bad naked.

Speaking of naked…

Hors D’oeuvres

I live in a gated community.

It keeps the hordes of reckless, SportsChump fanatics from beating down my door.  At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

As the gates generally remain closed, requiring a residential key to enter, and I have no landline in my apartment to buzz someone upstairs, I have to walk down three flights from my palatial SportsChump penthouse to allow any guest entry.

Prostitute umbrellaWell, the other day, I walked downstairs to open the gate in the pouring rain.  The pellets were coming down pretty good as they tend to do in the Florida summertime.

That got me thinking, however, what do prostitutes do in the rain?  Not the high class, thousand-dollar-a-night call girls that you have delivered to your hotel room at Caesar’s Palace, of course.  I’m talking about the blue-collar working girls that you find on the seedy side of town, the black market hookers doing their best to earn a quick buck.  What do they do when it downpours?

Inclement weather affects some industries more than others.   I spent a summer on Martha’s Vineyard whoring myself out in the landscaping business.  If it rained that morning, the boss would call it a day.  I’d stay in bed.  Rainy nights also tend to be bad for the bar industry.

But what of the dedicated call girl?  What if she has bills to pay?  Does she tough it out?  Does her forgiving ‘love broker’ give her the night off or does she plan ahead by checking and bringing an umbrella to match her sequin tube top and ultra-short skirt?  Inquiring minds want to know.


poster-from-the-campaign-for-the-international-day-of-prostitutes-features-the-phrase-i-am-happy-being-a-prostituteIn Brazil, they don’t have “Give a Whore an Umbrella” Day but they do have International Prostitute Day.  I’m not sure whether that includes Buy One, Get One Free specials.

In an effort to promote safe sex among its population, the Brazilian Health Ministry recently released a slogan which read “I’m happy to be a prostitute.”  It’s good to have goals.

Needless to say, the religious right opposed the campaign which was later switched to far more tame “Not ashamed to use a condom.”

I spent a summer in Brazil many moons ago and never realized that prostitution was legal.  Perhaps I should have done more research.

Brazil’s national soccer team just won FIFA’s 2013 Federation Cup.  They will also be hosting the upcoming World Cup in 2014.  (Suddenly, half my readers just booked a flight).  A boom in the prostitution industry is expected.  I hope those poor girls are resting their bucetinhas while they can.

If you go, please be sure to bring an umbrella, in case it rains.  And if you fall in love and decide to propose, please do so with clothes on just in case.  Oh, and use a condom.  The country’s health ministry frowns upon not doing so.

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32 Replies to “Chumpservations, Vol. 28: Nakedness, nakedness and more nakedness”

  1. I do all my blogging naked. It’s a freeing feeling, but I spend a lot of time Febreze-ing my office chair.

  2. Well Amsterdam never had such issues with regard to the sex industry . I believe the place to place the ring was on the end of a certain part of his anatomy , wherein is prospective bride would have to remove it with nothing but her lips . Which lips would be the question I would then be asking ?

    Dwight Howard to the Bobcats (Hornets ) , as it would sure bring some levity to that franchise . MJ (Jordan) seeks bring that dreg of an outfit back from the dead .

    tophatal …………

  3. Man, Al, I wish we could just issue a moratorium on all the Dwight Howard talk.

    Just have him sign in Houston so we can all move on already.

  4. My one and only experience with public nudity involved a streaking event in my high school cafeteria wearing a Nixon mask and flashing peace signs. Seemed appropriate at the time.

  5. I realize that there probably isn’t much for the avid SportsChump reader to chomp/chump on these days as it was mentioned that things must be slow in the sports world. Well, for those of us still active with those slow sports, WImbleton has taken up a lot of my viewing time certainly this past week. It’s a time to be hopeful, since many of the top seeded players for the men and women have been ousted. That could be good news for the #1’s on both sides who are still in it, or it could be a “break through” moment for an up and coming superstar. Either way, if you enjoy and appreciate the sport, it’s worth watching…perhaps even writing about!

  6. I would rather see Dwight`s obituary , once and for all ! That way , it would a stop to the incessant idiocy and prognostication . If only the NBA sought to have a franchise in Kabul Afghanistan , then his @ss could be sent there .

  7. Mony…

    It’s been a bizarre Wimbledon for sure. With Serena going out today, the women’s bracket is wide open. And on the men’s side, I’m afraid the Djoker is gonna take another one. We’ll see if Murray can give him a run for his money.

    I do think, however, after watching Djokovic finish off Haas today in straight sets, that Sharapova had a legit beef with the playing conditions. I don’t recall seeing players slide around on the grass this much.

    They must be getting Florida weather.

  8. Al…

    Wherever he lands, I’d be willing to bet they won’t land a championship.

    What do they say about leopards not changing their spots?

  9. At least the johns know that there won’t be any undercover hoes walking the streets in a downpour.

    Er… uh, I would imagine, anyway.

  10. Yikes. If that’s what hookers in Brazil look like, there will be no boom.

    Why it’s only legal in Vegas in the US is beyond me. The world’s oldest profession banned? How retarded. If women want to sell themselves and men want to shell out the cash, let em. Regulate it and tax it. Implement some testing like porn does and let people do their thing. I feel the same way about most drugs.

  11. I doubt a hooker would let a little rain stop them from turning a trick. As long as there’s men out there willing to pay, there will be prostitutes to serve their needs regardless of weather.

  12. Dwight remains with the Lakers , they stand no chance of winning an NBA title . The core of the roster is aging fast .

    A box of Depends is always placed by Nash`s locker with the Lakers , as a stand-by . MWP (Metta World Peace) is still listening to Bieber on is I-pod .

    Think you can handle te truth ?

    Big news, little news and not so ingratiating news

    Tebow is said to ave allegedly tried to break up a bar brawl between Aaron Hernandez and bar employee in Gainesville, when the Pats` tight end was a freshman in college ? Who wrote that fairy tale ? There is more chance Ru Paul breaking up a bar fight than Tim Tebow .

    tophatal …………

  13. flophat…Really?? Just gotta pile on, huh?

    I hate to quote Bring It On but it’s so fitting that I gotta do it…
    Dude…You just lost.

    Meaning, the Spurs.

    And before you ask me to turn in my mancard, I have a teenage daughter that loves the movie, so yes, I’ve seen it more times than I care to admit.

    As for Dwight, we’ll know soon enough if he agrees with you.

    On a lighter note, at least you guys re-signed that young up-and-comer Manu…He came up huge in games 6 & 7.

  14. Han…

    Just out of curiosity, have you seen “Night Shift” lately?

    I think I’m due for a viewing, even though I already know the film by heart.

    Oh, and happy 4th, brother.

  15. Bleed…

    I was totally surprised they chose those two girls to pose for the album cover. Can you imagine the ones at the photo shoot that they turned down? Maybe they had a problem finding prostitutes that weren’t shemales.

    That being said, I’ll meet you in Brazil then?

  16. Al…

    I heard a rumor that Dwight wanted to play with the Heat.

    At this point, who wouldn’t?

    I mean, I do, and I can at least give Spoelstra a quality mop-up minute or two off the bench.

    And at least that way, as part of their roster, I’d be able to get into the locker room celebration from which Drake was excluded.

  17. Bleed

    I know we just lost and I commend the team on their gallant effort, much as in the same way I commend and applaud the Heat on their series victory . But in reality, look at the Lakers` situation , one of their own making with this idiocy of thinking that Dwigt Howard and his game over the course of the season with Los Angeles . It is clear by is demeanor his stay has been abysmal , never mind , he simply can`t buy into what D`Antoni is trying to do .

    The Lakers this past season was assembled with ill-fitting pieces of a Lego set . Kupchak will always bee a poor man`s answer to Jerry West .

    The only good ting about Bring It On may well ave been Gabrielle Union . I can now understand why D-Wade has been hitting that on the down low while questioning the mental aspects of his now ex-wife and her fitness in being a mother and responsible parent . Being the complete hypocrite that Wade just happens to be .

  18. Yeah, but who’s at fault in that whole Lakers-D12 scenario, Al? L.A. or Dwight himself?

    I get that you’re supposed to coach to your talent, which D’Antoni clearly did not do but it’s not as if Dwight gave forth much effort either.

    I would think an uptempo style of play would fit a center of Dwight’s athleticism but limited low post moves.

    I guess we’ll find out what McHale does with him in Houston.

  19. Night Shift was an underrated classic, Rev.

    Still Keaton’s defining role.

    Billy Blaze: So what’re you doing babysitting stiffs? What were you… drinker? Big drinker?

    Chuck: No!

    Bill: Doper! Toothead! Nose candy! Coke?

  20. Looks like D12 is Houston bound. West is going to be fantastic next season with OKC, San Antonio, Houston the Clippers and Golden State battling out for the top five seeds. Grizzlies could even sneak in as well if they acquire another shooter or two.

    Agree with you that Miami, Indy, Brooklyn and Chicago will dominate a very top heavey Eastern Conference.

  21. Drew…

    Should be a great season… or will it?

    The league was top heavy last year and will likely remain that way in 2013-14.

    You’ve got six, maybe eight teams (or perhaps just one) that can win a title.

    Is that good for the sport or no?

  22. Chris

    Is the glass half empty or half full with Dwight as a Laker ? Mike D`Antoni is overrated as a head coach , and he is someone who has never been known to coach defense . And all people see with team is the alleged talent , but never seem to point to that one glaring fact .

    At what point of his career was Dwight Howard said to be a truly great player ? Just because he won a couple of Defensive Player of the Year Awards does not signify greatness , at all . And by your estimation , his stay in Orlando , how would you view that overall ? Was he a leader and did he make those around him better ?

    tophatal …………………

  23. Al…

    The glass was nearly TOTALLY empty for the Lakers last year. I’d say it was a mirror image of the Karl Malone-Gary Payton experiment but at least that team made the Finals. This team got nowhere near that, struggling to even make the playoffs.

    People still call Dwight great and, to his defense, he has had his moments of brilliance during that Magic Finals run a few years back. Other than that, I’d be hard-pressed to even consider him very good. We’ll see if this fresh start in Houston can prove us all wrong.. or right.

  24. I actually watched ten minutes of an episode of Naked and Afraid… it was Sunday when I was over at a buddy’s house for a BBQ.

    That’s as far as it went though…. quicker than a Dwight Howard flip-flop.

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