Brushes with Sports Greatness, Vol. 6: Urban Meyer

Urban Gatorade bathThe following is a frightfully true story about football, lust… and cheese dip.

For those of you who have read Episodes One, Two, Three, Four and Five of my Brushes with Sports Greatness series, you’ll recall I tend to find myself in the most peculiar of predicaments.

This one, however, might take the cake.

I was living in Gainesville.  The year was 2007.

Florida’s former head football coach Urban Meyer had already made his mark on the town, winning a national championship and making most Gator faithful, if only for a while, ask Steve who.

I was between girlfriends at the time so I met this girl out for a dinner date.  Let’s call her Gabby.  Please note that all names have been changed to protect the innocent, except of course for Urban Meyer’s.

Gabby and I met for margaritas one happy hour at a local Mexican joint.  Ironically, I had worked as a dishwasher in the kitchen of this very same establishment a lifetime before when it was a fine dining restaurant under a different name.  Yet there she and I sat, my dishwashing past long behind me, conversing at the sunken bar in the right center of the place, seeing where things would go and how tequila might take them there.

margarita salsaGabby and I had been sipping on margaritas and getting to know one another for a good thirty minutes or so, when a sudden hush fell over the place, with good reason.  Coaching greatness had just entered the building.

In walked Urban Meyer, and his daughter, on a random afternoon.  It was like buying a pack of baseball cards and finding a Yasiel Puig rookie card, except different because nobody buys baseball cards anymore and Urban Meyer is not a Cuban-born, home run slugging outfielder who plays for the Los Angeles Dodgers whose rookie cards might actually be worth something someday.  But honestly, who would have thought, of all the gin joints in that town, that Gabby and I would be sitting directly across from the man who would bring two national championships to the University of Florida (before breaking our hearts and leaving to coach The Ohio State University, which is clearly a story for another time).

Regardless, my date and I were knee-deep in margaritas and starting to get our flirt on.  Who was Urban Meyer to interfere with MY efforts at coaching greatness?  Or Gabby’s for that matter.

frozen strawberry margaritaMeyer ordered some froufrou, rainbow-colored, frozen margarita.  I later told the bartender that I wanted to buy Coach his next one.  The bartender told me not to bother, that he was only having one, essentially implying that a) he didn’t want to be bothered and b) his four-million dollar salary dwarfed the $40 grand a year I was making at the time.  But hey, it’s the thought that counts.  Besides, what kind of modern coaching legend drinks frozen drinks anyway?  I can’t see running into Nick Saban at my local Wet Willie’s.

So as Meyer sat across from us at the bar and the rush died down, Gabby and I continued to get sloshed on margaritas and tequila chasers.

And of course, we ordered the obligatory appetizers: nachos, salsa and spicy cheese dip.

The date was going well.  I could tell so because the tequila was helping Miss Gabby, let us say, loosen up.  She started getting flirtatious.

Five margaritas or so in, she dipped her finger into the cheese salsa, ever so sexually if that’s possible, and started making erotic gestures with it, slowly licking the cheese dip from her fingers.  While this may sound gross to you, it seemed perfectly appropriate at the time.

That’s when we saw it.

Gabby busted!

Coach Meyer had been watching us the entire time, somehow enjoying, or perhaps disgusted by our erotic show of salsa-ship.   It was tough to tell which.  Gabby blushed redder than the salsa itself.  Mentally, I high-fived myself, somewhat ashamed but knowing I’d live to tell about it later.  I can’t recall who left the restaurant first that evening, us or him but whichever party it was, they were laughing hysterically and probably slightly embarrassed.

Coach Meyer ultimately went on to win another championship in Gainesville and I went on to get Gabby onto my sofa.  I can only think finger-lickin’ good cheese dip and your friendly neighborhood margarita were the inspiration for both.

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25 Replies to “Brushes with Sports Greatness, Vol. 6: Urban Meyer”

  1. Hey Dwin , the Chumpster is no fool. He knows that once you get a woman to share some tequila you are half way home.

  2. What’s funny, Dwin, is that the girl I was breaking up with at the time was a HUGE Rod Stewart fan, pretty much inexplicable since she was only a little younger than me.

    I mean, she thought he was hot. Really? I mean, who in their right mind thinks that?

    I should have taken that as a sign earlier on.

  3. Kiss and tell ? You actually kissed while “sealing the deal” ?

    I’m not saying the NFC East is bad but there is something definitely that stinks in that division and it is not grandma’s pot roast or barbecue chicken because she overcooked the meal .

  4. Al…

    What Giants fans are hoping is that their team still has a chance to win that dysfunctional division.

    Only two games back, staring up at the Cowboys, I’d say that still ridiculously possible.

  5. Chris,

    Now that was interesting and funny. Whatever happened to Gabby? Time to settle down mate before you start to enjoy shaving………….to rid the gray.

  6. Hi everyone! “Gabby” here, only now I’m in Ohio. Yes, my Urban is here also coaching my beloved Buckeyes. Who would’ve guessed that back when I saw him with Chris in G’ville? And damn, Urban is lookin’ good! Sorry G8trs. Good memories though. btw, it’s true, tequila makes a girl’s clothes go buh bye!

  7. Chris

    The Giants are a damn mess on both sides of the ball and there seems to be absolutely no accountability from anyone on the team .

    How unsavory will the Josh Freeman story become ? Lies , accusations made by Freeman’s agent Erick Burkhardt that it was the Bucs who leaked the information concerning his medical issues (ADHD) . This is all the player’s fault to begin with , in having lied about his medical problem even though he entered the league’s substance program . He lied about going out and obtaining a non-sanctioned pain medication allegedly from an unlicensed medical professional . What the hell . Is Freeman really that dumb ? I guess so , because it shows in his play !

    tophatal …………

  8. The Giants are horrible, Al, but I don’t think Coughlin takes the fall for this. Heck, like we discussed earlier, they can still make the playoffs.

    I was talking to one avid Giants fan the other day and he was fishing for Cowher at the end of the season. Let’s just say that if Coughlin becomes available, the Bucs should make a move.

    And speaking of Bucs, I think there’s more that remains uncovered about who leaked what to whom.

  9. Chris,

    Better her than you in snow country…or was that her?

    NFL? I wouldn’t draw any conclusions after just 4 games. I can say this with confidence….I knew/know no one that can beat the NFL long term betting or prognosticating.

  10. If the Giants fire Coughlin , then they are mad . It is the players and the fact that they . .. are gutless .

    Impressive performance last night by the Rays , especially by Cobb and Delmon Young .

    It’s preferable for the Bucs to trade Freeman by the trade deadline , rather than have him on the roster . But there seem to be no takers . They cut him and they are still committed to paying his salary . Go figure .

    Greed is good ! The problem remains, when is enough not enough?

  11. Cobb’s been money, Al. Like I said a week or so ago, he may have been Tampa’s most consistent pitchers on the season. Maddon had total confidence in him as did his teammates.

    I gotta tell you, man. That guy Maddon can friggin’ run a clubhouse.

    Freeman will be gone by the deadline. There’s no doubt about that. Other teams hold the cards though understanding that the Bucs’ll want to get rid of him at any cost.

  12. Chris

    Maddon is like having an extra player on the field .

    I hear that there’s interest in Freeman from a start up league in Bangladesh as the NFL is on the uptick there in terms of its popularity ?

    What’s wrong with /Bob Stoops and who pi$sed in his coffee ? Have you heard or read his latest tirade ? He believes that the SEC’s play on offense and defense is overrated, as are many of their players drafted into the NFL .

    Last I looked, the Sooners weren’t setting the world alight this season or any of the last three seasons as a matter of fact . They may well be 4-0 , but it’s a pretty soft 4-0 when they only “bitch slap” or relevance > out has been to Notre Dame . That’s like picking on the asthmatic kid in the class , taking his lunch money and giving him a ” wedgie” .

  13. Chris

    The Freeman era is now officially <a href= over as the player has been waived . Now whoever claims him off waiver,s will have eat the $8 million that he’s owed for the rest of the season . Your thoughts on that ?

    USA Today

    Buccaneers waive QB Josh Freeman

    By Jarrett Bell , USA Today

    Josh Freeman’s career with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers is officially over.

    The team waived Freeman on Thursday, eight days after the fifth-year quarterback was replaced as Tampa Bay’s tarter by rookie Mike Glennon.

    The Buccaneers confirmed the move to USA TODAY Sports minutes before general manager Mark Dominik released a statement:

    “We made the decision today to release Josh Freeman. We appreciate his efforts over the past five seasons, but we felt this was in the best interests of both Josh and the Buccaneers.”

    THE Q: Reaction to Freeman’s fall

    BELL: Freeman saga sparks questions of trust

    Attempts to trade Freeman were unsuccessful. He is now eligible to be claimed off the waiver wire, though in that scenario another team would have to pick up the balance of Freeman’s $8 million-plus salary.

    Click on link to read in full .

    Can we expect Ric Brown, beat writer for the Polk County Ledger , continue to make a complete @ss of himself as he jumps to Freeman’s defense ? Brown makes Jason Whitlock seem like a journalistic genius . Yet in reality , they both have the IQ of a brick.

    The Red Sox have the edge in the season series (2013) with the Rays (10-9) , but I for one , do not believe that it will play a part in how this ALDS match-up will pan out .

    If the Broncos blow out the Cowboys this weekend , will Roger Staubach be made to apologize for his comments about Tony Romo ? Or will he have to undergo a series of more medication and psychiatric treatment ?

    A Rod’s lawyers are not dumb enough to use the race card as an issue in his defense are they ? Because they sure as hell are making sure that the Hispanic supporters of the player who have allegedly come out in support of the player are riled up that way by a number of their insinuations .

    tophatal ………………….

  14. Chris

    If anyone leaked anything about Freeman concerning this , mess then who better than his agent ? Erik Burkhaerdt did himself or his client no favors with his name calling and accusations in the first place .

  15. Well, Al, let’s just say the whole thing was handled pretty poorly, poorly enough that they had to let their starting quarterback go and not get anything in return for him. Can you recall the last time that happened to a team?

    The Sox are going to be hard to beat in this series, Al. Their rotation is just as solid as ours and their bats are far better. These guys better come to play.

    And I haven’t heard of any ‘race card defense’ in the A-Rod case but you can rest assured they’ll do whatever it takes to get their client off with less of a suspension than Major League Baseball is pushing for.

  16. lol…Good stuff.
    Thank God for margaritas…and I’ll never look at nacho cheese the same again.

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