NFL tight end Kellen Winslow was recently caught masturbating in his Escalade in the middle of a Target parking lot. And I thought I was excited about the playoffs!
Along with his exposed erection, police also found two open jars of Vaseline and two different types of synthetic marijuana. When questioned, the embarrassed and obviously high Winslow told police he was looking for a Boston Market. Insert gratuitous, chicken-choking reference here. Winslow was subsequently arrested.
As precarious a situation as Mr. Winslow found himself in, he is going to have to try a little harder than that to crack my list of The Top Five Most Famous Sports Penises of All-Time.
#5 Greg Oden
Greg Oden was kind of a big deal coming out of Ohio State. After all, it’s not every day that a seven-footer hits the NBA Draft Board with such promise. Despite his recent signing with the Miami Heat, Oden has failed to live up to expectations largely due to injury.
However, Oden’s real claim to fame came not with being selected first in the 2007 Draft but rather when the explicit pictures he sent his girlfriend found themselves splattered all over the internet.
Things would have been far worse if the center had nothing to brag about. If nothing else, at least Oden’s exposé was proportional to his seven-foot frame.
# 4 Brett Favre
When it comes to inappropriate texts, Brett Favre takes top billing. As the wily, gun-slinging, not-making-his-mind-up quarterback was approaching the end of his career, he apparently had a thing for internet-bombshell-turned-sports-reporter Jenn Sterger.
Sterger made public the voice mails that Favre had left her, inviting her up to his hotel room for a nightcap. Good luck explaining that to the wife. But honey, she wanted an exclusive.
According to Sterger, Favre also sent along pictures of his unzipped Wranglers to sweeten the deal. Somehow, Sterger, fourteen years his junior, found it within herself to decline the offer.
Favre is the NFL career leader in passes completed but it might be for this one ill-advised and incomplete pass that he’ll be forever um… remembered.
# 3 Mike Kekich and Fritz Peterson
Mike Kekich and Fritz Peterson both pitched for the New York Yankees in the early 1970s. Despite having rather lengthy careers (no pun intended), neither will be recognized for their performances on the field as much as they will for their antics off it. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are even aspiring to make a film about the two.
In March, 1973 Peterson and Kekich publicly announced they were trading lives… and wives. That was risqué even for the mid-70s.
Only Peterson, Kekich and their wives (and perhaps Damon and Affleck) know the full extent of who did what to whom. Either way, it’s safe to say these two will go down in history as the most famous Yankees pitchers since Babe Ruth to ever “swing” for the fences.
# 2 – Tiger Woods
There are affairs and then there are worldwide scandals caused by one’s inability to keep his business in his pants.
The sordid affairs of Tiger Woods were Clintonesque in range. During his heyday, the world’s most recognizable golfer allegedly put it to every porn star and Perkins waitress this side of Orlando. His wife ended up having the last laugh, however, to the tune of $750 million. That buys a lot of scrambled eggs.
Woods’ rampant infidelities wrecked his marriage, his image, his bank account and his golfing career. He hasn’t won a Major since 2008. Despite his unwillingness to leave his woods in his bag, however, his exploits still rank him second place on this list behind…
# 1 – Wilt Chamberlain
Even Gene Simmons has nothing on Wilt Chamberlain. The rabbinical-student-turned-rock star claims to have slept with over 5,000 women after face-painting and tongue-waggling made him a rock and roll icon. It’d take Gene a few more concerts and a lot more Viagra, however, to come close to the world’s most famous sports penis of all time: Wilt the Stilt’s.
By his own account, Wilt had four times the amount of soirees of the Kiss bass player. With all that fornicating, it’s amazing he had time to suit up for basketball games.
In this day and age of lambasting athletes for their improprieties, can you imagine how we would crucify someone if they ran from bed to bed with the frequency of Chamberlain?
The world’s most dominant basketball player passed away in 1999 but not before sharing his magic johnson with a reported 20,000 women, another one of his records that will never be broken.
Congratulations, Mr. Chamberlain. You’re the cock of the walk.
Honorable Mention: Derek Jeter, Kobe Bryant, Mike Tyson, Geno Smith, Mark Chmura, the unfaithful Louisville coaching duo of Rick Pitino and Bobby Petrino, Magic Johnson, Wade Boggs and of course Tim Tebow’s lack thereof.
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I have to say that I am impressed with Wilt’s claim to fame . Kellen Winslow Jr was apparently looking for a local Boston Markets restaurant while “beating his meat ” . Kinder , softer hands , as brought to you by Vaseline Intensive Care and Kellen Winslow .
Boston Markets have pitched an ad slogan to Winslow about him holding a chicken leg in one hand and a tissue in the other . I don’t think I’ll be taking in their food at all , if that ever goes down as a marketing ad !
Tiger improved his game and the length of his 9 iron with his off-the-course activities .
Kobe’s relationship with Rick Fox and Shaq remains in tatters . You just don’t “snitch out ” on teammates about their own after hours activities .
Brett will be Brett . TD’s and snapping his sh-long for an acquaintance, who just happens not to be his wife . How tightly did he hold unto his member while ‘ texting ‘ those photos ? Tight spiral curve didn’t come into play concerning that particular exercise .
What a hoot! From inside the twisted mind of SportsChump comes this Top 5 🙂 Bravo! Really funny photoshop of Favre.
Honorable mention to Shawn Kemp?
Greg Oden’s play this season has improved somewhat , but his teammates are said to be embarrassed to be seen standing next to him in either the locker room disrobed or in the showers .
This just in , if you thought that Kellen Winslow had problems , think again . Former Pro Bowl defensive player Darren Sharper has been released on $200k bond having been accused of two sexual assaults . One dates back to 2013 and the other in January of this year . Sharper currently works an an analyst for the NFL Network . I don’t think we’ll be seeing Darren on the air for a while , even if the allegations are unfounded .
Goodell worries about player misconduct . He should also be worried about the conduct of owners such as Jimmy Haslam and Zygi Wilf as . Never mind former players who now work for the league in another capacity as a broadcast analyst . Next up , ‘Neon’ Deion Sanders admits to the fact that he’s nailed a female NFL Network intern as well as having sex with a client’s mother to induce her , to get her son to sign with his sport’s agency . Oh the price of fame . LOL,LOL,LOL !!!!
Sanders recently made the statement that he’d like to return to the game and play in the Pro Bowl ? Oh that would be physically challenging , I guess ? A meaningless game , where no defensive player tackles an opponent and the contest itself is about as competitive a match-up between the Harlem Globetrotters and some nondescript semi-professional basketball team .
20,000 is kind of a stretch. Remember, those are by his own accounts.
I’m not going to try to do the math here, but I have in the past. Let’s just say there would need to be a lot of two, three and foursomes involved to reach that number, even if he started at an early age.
I like to fool around as much as the next guy but even SportsChump likes a nice quiet night off.
And while I’m sure some marketing genius could come up with a pretty damn funny commercial for Kellen and Boston Market, I’m not sure that’s the direction they want to go.
How about this one, though?
Boston Market: So good you can’t control yourself – or – so good, you can’t even make it out of the parking lot.
Let’s just say Deadspin has a copy of those pictures.
You can thank me for not posting the link.
Nice call on Shawn Kemp. I probably should have had Karl Malone up there as well.
And how in the world could I have forgotten Jameis Winston?
Hey, I figured since women have won my last two contests, it’s only fair I put up a penis post in their honor.
Oden is a fine pick up for the Heat. Come playoff time, all they’ll need from him is six fouls, ten to twelve minutes and a few defensive rebounds.
Any scoring he provides will just be gravy.
I heard that news about Sharper, Al. Kind of gives new meaning to the Saints coaches’ directives for their players to go headhunting.
The thing with Sharper, is damn ridiculous . One sexual assault I could understand , but two inside the space of a month (December 2013 and January 2014) ? Hell , it must have been a lousy Christmas for Darren Sharper , if there were no chicks putting out . The two hundred thou’ is correct in terms of his bail .
A third female , has now come out of the wood-works and filed a legal complaint concerning Darren Sharper . Damn !
Winslow and Boston Market . Try a thigh on for size or in Kellen’s case ” come feel my drumstick ” . Had that been at a Chick-A-Fil outlet embroiled in that incident . How would things have gone down, given the owner’s deeply religious background . Do the Chick-A-Fil outlets have a drive through lane ? Just wondering, because I’d hate to think what might have happened had KW been using the lane , while servicing himself .
Oden gives new meaning to “posting up” or banging the boards .
Deion Sanders wanting to play in the Pro Bowl ? So, is there a chance that Jerry Jones will approach either Troy Aikman or Roger Staubach to come out of retirement to become the Cowboys’ starting quarterback for next season ?
Of the NBA Finals that you’ve witnessed , which do you believe provided the greatest entertainment in terms of the level throughout the series ? It’s a question I posed as a comment in that most recent piece . By all means chime in with your thoughts on that, by leaving a comment there .
No fuss, no sweat, no tears , no problem
Perhaps Kellen just won a contest with his friends where he was abstaining from such activity and just had to get some immediate relief. If that was the case and he held on for the win…ya gotta hand it to him.
That’s an impressive list, but Wilt was the Man. He was the best on the court and according to his own reports in the bedroom. However, I think you’ve been paid off by LBJ. How can you omit Delonte West?
I think you’re overlooking what Brady and the Pats did to the Broncos in week twelve of the regular season . If left that Denver team not just physically beaten up , but also psychologically damaged .
Sounds like it’s time for Sharper to have some counseling. Or he can always blame the league for giving him too many concussions.
Tough call on your NBA Finals question. But like I said, last year’s and that recent Boston-L.A. Finals were probably the most competitive/entertaining in recent memory.
Oh, and Week 12 isn’t the playoffs, man. As I expected, the Broncos came up with a great game plan, are controlling game clock and having their way with the Patriots.
Hand it to him, Burnsy?
Poor form, man.
I think I need a bath now.
Good call, Bets.
How could I forget?
And whatever happened to Delonte? Last I heard he was driving his three-wheeler around with a knapsack full of guns.
I think he’s playing in Asia somewhere. I wonder if Lebron got his exiled?
Bron Bron’s passive/aggressive and we’re only recently seeing the aggressive side of him.
You’re not suggesting a conspiracy, are you?
Don’t make me write another screenplay, he he.
“Searching For Delonte”
Once again , I’m befuddled with Belichick and the team , as they allow the Broncos to hit the inside rail at the start of the game and they simply never looked back as Peyton went to town .
Russell Wilson is looking to make a little history in the Superbowl as only the second African American quarterback to win the NFL’s premiere event .
Whose idiotic idea was it to stage the game in the Northeast at this time of the year ? I understand the league is all about wanting to make money and God knows the NFL as a brand , remains a real moneymaker . But New Jersey on Sunday in mid-February , where the temperature is likely to be no more than 30 degrees on the day of the game ? What next, Superbowl L ( SB50) will be staged in either London or Vancouver , BC ?
Nice win for the Magic over the Celtic ! Arron Afflalo led the way for Orlando in the victory .
Your thoughts on ‘melo possibly opting out of his contract , given the way the Knicks have been playing ?
Law enforcement in New Jersey are now said to be having doubts about pressing ahead with a trial against Kellen Winslow .
No way in hell the NFL Network can allow Darren Sharper to return to his position with the network after this mess .
Any NBA Finals featuring the LA Lakers and the Boston Celtics contesting the Showtime Team , against Bird , McHale and Parish had to be seen as one of the great Finals’ series in NBA history. And with regard to the Bulls’ six title wins , which do you believe was the best ?
The Dodgers are prepared to open up their pocket books again and are on the verge of landing Japanese star pitcher Masahiro Tanaka . He went 24-0 with an ERA lower than 2.00 (1.27)
That Dodgers’ payroll looks ridiculous . in terms of the players who will be earning in excess of $15 million annually . .
If Tanaka can live up to that type of hype in terms of his performances , then the Dodgers might have the inside track for the World Series this season .
Denver just had a great game plan and the kind of quarterback who could implement it. Sure, Peyton threw for 400 yards but how many times did he air it out? How many times did he dink and dunk his team down the field? I have a feeling you’ll be seeing a lot more of that in the Bowl against Seattle.
That New York Super Bowl has been in play for a while. That’s what you get for building a new stadium these days. Look, the only thing that can really go wrong is the weather. The Apple will pull out all the stops to make sure a memorable time is had by all.
Which of the Bulls titles was the best? Hmmmm. Did any of them even go to a Game Seven?
The Dodgers are in the Tanaka hunt? Wouldn’t that put their payroll over $300 mil?
Oh, Triple SC, You had me hooked at “THE”! How thoughtful of you to post such a topic to honor your most recent Chump Champs;) Wow..Winslow needing 2 jars? Either he has a lot of ground to cover or that’s some masturbation marathon!
It was the least I could do.
I figured the post would grab your attention.
Wilt Chamberlain had a pretty big video collection of a lot of the girls he fucked. Someone at Vivid said negotiations stalled on a deal to put some of it on DVD, but it got squashed (money is on basketball slush fund) He apparently got to see NBA stud Wilt fucking some of Vivid’s top pornstars in the mid 90’s, including Racquel Darrian and Nikki Tyler at the same time – both in LA Lakers tops! Wow! He fucked Janine Lindemulder too.
Thanks for the trip down 70s porn lane.
BULLSHI* that Wilt ever had sex with Raquel Darrian
I don’t know who Raquel Darrian is, Duke, but I can’t only assume she’s an ex-girlfriend.
Racquel Darrian was certainly well known to Magic Johnson, who specifically pointed her out during a commenting gig that went out over the air (google it) He mentioned the pornstar as being ‘motivation’ for the young players out on the floor. Racquel went to both Laker and Clipper games as well as after-parties. The idea of Wilt and Magic banging her seems very likely to me. Basketball player having sex with pornstars probably happens all the time
So she was their muse, Ice?
I suppose I can believe that as I’ve known a few such muses in my day.
Racquel Darrian definitely screwed several basketball players. She was spotted at hot-tub after parties thrown by players. As a pornstar and escort this would not be a big whoop. Her ex used to film her fucking fans – including black guys.
Sounds like quite a party.
Sounds like our girl Racquel was a bit of a collector too.