I’ve worked in the bar industry for quite some time. Every once in a while, one drunken sot at the bar takes offense to the way another drunken sot at the bar is looking at him and shit goes down. Most of the time, the two random fight-starters are too inebriated to land a solid punch and are easy to wrap up before too much damage is done but it’s always best to be prepared for the worst. I think Dalton once said that.
That is why I created my list of Modern Athletes I’d Like On My Side If A Bar Fight Breaks Out. It’s not a comprehensive list and I’m sure there are plenty of guys out there who slipped my mind but the few I’ve mentioned below are definite no-brainers.
Marshawn Lynch – Beast Mode has to be one of the greatest nicknames in modern sports and Lynch has definitely earned it. He carries two, three or four defenders at a time who are trying to bring him down. He is, with the minor exception of quarterback Russell Wilson, the entire Seattle Seahawks’ rushing attack. He might not be the league’s most proficient runner but he’s definitely the nastiest. He was second in the league in carries this season and with all the talk about the Seahawk’s defense, Lynch is the one forgotten reason the Hawks are where they are: in the Super Bowl. Take a closer look at the next guy who tries to tackle Lynch. You can tell it’s just something they really don’t want to do. Now imagine Lynch in a hypothetical bar fight, shedding off potential wannabes that want a piece of him. Let’s just say, if I walk into a bar with Beast Mode, we’re probably leaving there unscathed.
Metta World Peace/Stephen Jackson – This goes without saying. Before we’re quick to label Richard Sherman professional sports’ most insane man, let us not forget that Peace (formerly Ron Artest) and his cohort Jackson will forever be associated with the NBA’s darkest hour, the Malice at the Palace, where they both decided to rush into the stands and beat the crap out of someone they thought threw a beer onto the floor. As it turns out, they beat up the wrong guy but ended up landing a few more round houses while trying to find him. The NBA has gone to great lengths to remove any sort of violence from the game but we’ll always remember that Artest and Jackson are just a little off kilter. In fact, if I walked into a bar with the two of them, you’d have to figure the place would clear out just to be safe.
Pretty much every NHL player (and maybe even a coach or two) – I walked into one of my local watering holes a few months back. The Washington Capitals were in town and happened to hit that very same spot after that evening’s matchup with the Lightning. These guys were not small. Alexander Ovechkin was there and stood all of 6’3”, as were the rest of his boys. Let’s just say no NHL player is someone you’d ever want to step to or even look at the wrong way, unless you have a death wish. There’s a reason most of them don’t have any teeth. Heck, Vancouver Canucks coach John Tortorella was just suspended fifteen games for trying to take on the entire Calgary Flames roster in the hallway outside their locker room. And he’s a coach! If that doesn’t scream bat shit crazy, I don’t know what does.
NaVorro Bowman – If you didn’t catch last Sunday’s NFC Championship Game, you were one of only five people in America who missed it. And if you missed the contest, you also happened to miss one of the most gruesome football injuries you’ll ever see. Seattle was driving when Jermaine Kearse caught a short Russell Wilson pass, only to have it stripped by Bowman before he could get into the end zone. Another San Francisco defender tackled Kearse into Bowman, essentially snapping his knee in two. There lay Bowman, grimacing in pain… with the ball still in his arms. Are you kidding me? The guy’s lower leg was nearly detached from his body and he was still holding on to the football! As he was being carted off the field and into the locker room, likely in shock, some Seattle fans threw popcorn at him. Bowman sat there calmly, glancing up to see who did it then looked back down. You couldn’t see his expression through his visor but I’m quite certain that given the chance, with no repercussions, Bowman would have taken the popcorn-thrower and strangled him until his head popped off, which would have been fun to watch. The next time I get into a bar fight, I’ll gladly take Bowman on my side, bum leg and all. At least I know he’ll be there until the very end.
Kyle Farnsworth – I figured I had to choose at least one baseball player for this list but none really stood out. Sure, Carlos Zambrano is certifiable but I’m not looking to start fights, I’m looking to finish them. Zambrano’s the kind of guy who would start a fight with valet parking before even getting into the club. No, I’m looking for a cooler and Farnsworth is my guy. He might not be the best reliever of all time (he’s not) nor the most intimidating reliever of all time (he’s not that either). But he is a black belt in Tae Kwan Do and stands 6’4”, 230 lbs. Not long ago, Major League Baseball players voted Farnsworth as the guy they’d least like to fuck with. You have to figure 750 steroid users can’t be wrong.
Brock Lesnar – At this point, we all know Lesnar didn’t have much of a UFC career. He started out with a few nice, highly publicized fights until stiffer competition eventually knocked him on his ass. That doesn’t mean that if you walked into a bar with this 6’3”, 265 lb. freak show that nobody in the place would dare fuck with you. I can’t imagine a better insurance policy. I thought about adding Kimbo Slice to this list but Kimbo seems like the kind of a guy someone with a bone to pick would want to take a shot at him knowing he’s got a glass jaw. Can you imagine how quickly a fight would end if some random dude tried to take a shot at Lesnar? First of all, he’d need a stepladder and second of all, he’d probably end up tied up in a pretzel knot like had he just messed with the Zohan.
Ronda Rousey – Not only is she good-looking and undefeated in her UFC career but she’d kick the tar out of basically every guy I know. I know I said I wouldn’t bring Zambrano into a bar for fear he’d start shit for no reason but you have to imagine, watching some drunken tool hit on Rousey when she didn’t want to be hit on would be fun. Rousey is the meanest woman on the planet and trust me, I’ve dated some mean ones. Rumor has it that she’ll be starring in Expendables III. How much would you pay to see her kick the ever-living shit out of a ping pong-playing, former California-governing, fat maid-bopping Terminator? Yeah, get your checkbook ready. Rousey is pound-for-pound the toughest female on the planet and someone I’d take on my side in a bar brawl any day.
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Farnsworth a Black Belt in tae-kwon-do ? Damn , perhaps he and Drew Rosenhaus can get together and smash some bricks ?
Jenna Jameson is now seeking out Kellen Winslow Jr for her next movie production , through her production studio . Working title for the moment , ” Hands of a Tight-End With a firm grip on things ” .
Winslow (KW II) would like it to be known , he is not open to any offers for any type of biopic or doing porn . He believes he can fulfill his career as being one of the best tight ends to ever play the game .
That’s a great scene in “Game of Death,” Al. It’s just so weird to watch those two go at it with their height difference.
I recall Michael Cooper being pretty bad ass himself.
I was pretty much going with active athletes though, otherwise those two and um… Mr. Tyson would have made the list.
I know Lesnar was a bust/publicity stunt for the UFC but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t do some damage in your neighborhood bar.
Winslow going into porn, huh, Al?
I’m sure there’s a joke in there somewhere. Wait, the whole thing IS a joke.
Perhaps I should host a contest giving away a prize to the reader who can best come up with Kellen Winslow’s first pornographic film.
“I’M A SOLIDER!”
I agree with most of your list. We will agree to disagree about rousey. She is at a serious size and strength disadvantage to most men. She isn’t a great striker either. Judo and arm bar is her thing. Neither of which will serve her well in a bar fight. Lesner isn’t a great striker either for that matter…of course he will scare the shit out of you. I suppose if you need a table full of sorority girls cleared out rousey is your gal.
Well perhaps in Tampa he (Lesnar) would , but I doubt he could do that in Liberty City or the Overtown areas of Miami . He’d get his @ss kicked .
Can you imagine the Dodgers’ payroll hitting quarter billion dollars ($250,000,000) this season ? That is damn insane ! That will be the case if they get to sign Japanese pitcher Masahiro Tanaka . They have already tied up over $350 million in pitchers, Zach Greinke and Clayton Kershaw , alone .
Did I ever tell you about the time I had to pull a guy off of Kentucky Bob at Lillian’s?
Ahhh, good times.
I am sure he deserved it!
Ironic part is, D, he didn’t even know Bob.
He probably just sensed it.
What teams in the National League, other than perhaps St. Louis, can even compete with that kind of payroll?
St Louis can compete but there’s no way in hell the ownership will commit that to that type of payroll . At one time the .Phillies might have , but not anymore , not with an aging roster . Now that Doc Halladay has retired , let’s see how that team can compete this upcoming season .
KW II in porn ….. seems a natural fit for a tight-end . Did he actually have less receptions this season than the number of times he’s said to have pleasured himself ?
Tony Gonazlez is definitely calling it quits this time around and the Pro Bowl will be his last game in the NFL. One of a select group of players with over , 100 receiving touchdowns , 1,000 career receptions and over 10,000 receiving yards . That should be enough for the Hall of Fame don’t you think . ?
His playoff stats though not impressive , but his overall body of work has been impressive enough .
So Warren Buffett will offer $1 billion ($1,000,000,000) to anyone who successfully fills out an NCAA Tournament Bracket for this season ? Say you’ll be in on that ?
Team Rice vs Team Sanders , as the premise for the Pro Bowl ? What the hell !
Next, it’ll be Team Staubach vs Team Namath perhaps ? Or how about Team Ditka vs Team Bradshaw ?
Goodell now wants to abandon the extra point after a touchdown ? . He believes that the game can do without it , be sped up and made more exciting . These are the type of initiatives and innovations that the league needs to make it better alright ! LOL,LOL,LOL !! How about a less diluted brand and better coaches in the NFL than they currently possess ? Better yet , a marked increase in the level of talent in a number of the specialized areas !
If Roger Goodell were a PSA (public service announcement , not a prostate specific antigen) What would you want to hear from that idiot ?
Barkley? Glass window in O-Town?
The Yankees beat out the Dodgers for the services of Masahiro Tanaka by offering him a seven-year $155 million deal .
Tony Gonzalez, Al? Definitely a Hall of Famer. First ballot even.
Cards not dropping the cash to compete with L.A.? What other National League team will?
Buffett wants the perfect bracket? All he had to do was give me a call.
Rice, Sanders, Pro Bowl? Who gives a damn?
And personally I’m not a big fan of getting rid of the extra point or adding an “action point.” They thought about doing that in baseball long ago, where the pitcher would no longer have to throw four balls outside to his catcher to intentionally walk a batter. Never got done.
Thought of that Barkley incident too, Jefe.
He still stands by it. It’s funny to hear him talk about that night if you never have. He keeps calling the guy a midget.
I remember walking by that Church Street bar and seeing the window all boarded up. Good times.
Chris the list is solid. Can you imagine though, Kyle Farnsworth with his text book take-downs is a Mormon? Aren’t they suppose to be non combative pacifists?
I’d add Rick Mahorn and Calvin Murphy. If he were alive, my favorite all-time athlete………Wilt The Stilt!!!
Adding…….Swayze was great in that movie versus the bad guy Ben Gazzara. What was the phrase they alway mentioned to Dalton? “a lot smaller than I figured “
For one tenth of the $1 billion , I’d let Buffett borrow my pen or pencil to fill out his bracket !
Who says money can’t buy you happiness ? The Yankees throw $155 million at Masahiro Tanaka and their pitching staff even with Tanaka will be at best just above average . They will need a hell of a lot more than average just to compete in the AL this season .
I love how you led off with Marshawn Lynch. Who wouldn’t want a “Beast” beside them when all heck breaks out and its your neck on the line? Don’t know why I thought of this when I read your post but back in the day I saw one of the toughest, grittiest performances ever by a QB in the form of one Donovan McNabb. Never liked the guy or his game the whole time he was here but, a) he was the best player at that position the Eagles have ever had and, b) he played a good chunk of a game early in his career at the Vet with a good chunk of his leg broken. I give the man his due for that, even though I’d be more likely to get into a scrap with him than fight one beside him!
Stilt topped ahem… another one of my other recent lists.
Oh, and have you seen Mahorn lately? I’d be more afraid of him eating me than kicking my ass.
And yea, the recurring line of the movie is “I thought you’d be bigger.”
Another one of my favorites is when one of the bar thugs tells him that he “used to fuck guys like him in prison.”
Ahhh, only at the Double Deuce.
Here are some more lines from the flick if you find the time.
And remember, be nice…. until it’s time to not be nice.
It’s no surprise the Yankees won the Tanaka sweepstakes. That’s what they do.
What I find more interesting is the amount of innings Japanese pitchers throw before coming over here.
Did you see those numbers?
I know American pitchers, starters mostly, would throw high 200s a year back in the day, not so much any more.
Tanaka already has over 1300 career innings pitched in the Japanese leagues.
He’s 25 years old.
It’s astonishing that they (Yankees) beat out the Dodgers on the deal, given the alleged confidence there was said to be from inside their (Los Angeles’) front office and the genuine belief by Magic Johnson that they would definitely sign Tanaka .
Masahiro has simply been amazing (over 1300 career inning pitched) in the Japanese leagues and it has been the same with the Rangers’ Yu Darvish there (1268 innings) and here (over 400 innings / 2yrs) playing for the Texas based franchise .
Is it true that during half-time at the Pro Bowl Deion Sanders will perform his song “Just For The Money “ in order to entertain those in attendance as well as those watching on television ? How bad must things be if this is the type of gimmick the NFL has to stoop to , merely to get fans interested in a meaningless game (Team Rice vs Team Sanders) ? Players who have financial incentives in terms of the Pro Bowl will get paid whether or not they’re on the field , just as long as they are part of the ballot process .
It could have got worse by all accounts , there were some teenage girls getting excited , because they were under the impression it was something to do with Team Edward vs Team Jacob ? Hint , for all fans of the Twilight series . LOL,LOL,LOL !!!
Does this bring back any memories whatsoever ? Deion Sanders ” Must be The Monney ”
If Money is not the issue , then what seems to be the problem ?
They’re human as well, but they don’t always show it , seeking to hide behind that veil of whatever
LeBron and his teammates had fun at the White House visiting ‘Bazza’ and presenting him with a Heat championship signed jersey .
Let’s hope the partying can stop and / they get back to business . This team in its current guise is definitely not as good as last season’s lineup at all .
Speaking of just for the money, Al, did you hear that Vince Young declared bankruptcy? Didn’t he make almost $60 million over his NFL career? How does that sort of thing happen?
I guess that the Heat are coasting and I understand why but if that roster is so weathered, why don’t they inject some youth into it. They’re going to have to eventually.
We’ll see if they regret coasting when they have to run into a Pacers team that has home court advantage throughout the playoffs.
You’re surprised that Young declared bankruptcy ? Look at the entourages that these guys tend to surround themselves with ? If you’ve got twenty or thirty guys relying on you as the sole providers in terms of income . What else would you think is likely to happen ? Look at the Mike Tyson wreckage as the what no to do ” .
Deuce McAllister earned roughly $45 million over the course of his career and built a successful automotive dealership with several business partners only to then fall afoul one partner being charge with fraud and grand larceny , leading to the bankruptcy of his entire business interests .
Too many of these athletes having done at best no more than three years of college , land amongst the professional ranks . They don’t show the initiative to hire a lawyer with a business background, much less an accountant . And then the whole damn world acts surprise when they fall flat broke ?
Look at Bernie Kosar’s life at present . Flat broke , going through some serious health issues ( early onsets of Alzheimer’s , major speech impediment issues , gradual loss of hearing , rheumatoid arthritis, knee and back problems — all thought to be career related ) . He amassed a considerable fortune , only to have his father (manager & sometime business partner) defraud him and misspend millions of dollars on get rich schemes , that didn’t materialize to anything . Oh , add in the divorces and his idiotic belief of simply paying out the alimony to his exes as they wanted . Remind me , why anyone believes an education at the University of Miami is a worth a damn ?
If the Heat are coasting then they’re traveling on the Titanic or Costa Concordia .
The team has been way too inconsistent , as have been the performances of several players on the roster, who are simply overpaid when you see the lack of real productivity . Other than LBJ , who on the team at present is worth a damn ? Bosh’s figures are up and down . As are Wade’s and Ray Allen’s this season .
As a head coach much less as a front office executive , when have you known Pat Riley to draft and develop NBA talent ? From his days with the Lakers , Knicks and now the Heat , has that ever really happened ?
I can’t watch the Pro Bowl , not when it’s rumored that Deion Sanders will actually perform as a singer with a backing group and band !
I guess I’m surprised, yet not surprised, when any athlete declares bankruptcy after making an obscene amount of money over his career, no matter how short it was.
The Heat? Well, they’re still the second best team in the East by far. The Nets are starting to make some rumbling and are probably a team neither Indiana nor Miami will want to play before having to face each other.
Pro Bowl? Nah, I won’t watch either.
Funny the choices made and the wandering comments since..
Patrick Swaze put on a fine movie but it was play acting.
Brock Lesnar is a pussy who doesn’t like to get hit. In a bar fight I’d rather have Cain Velasquez at my back than muscle bound Brock. For that matter I’d rather have someone like Keith Jardine who looks likes he’s already had his share of back alley encounters rather than lummox Lesnar.
And since I’m a gentleman, and a gentleman NEVER strikes a lady I’d keep your Rhonda Rousey choice to keep the bkitches in line.
and to bkitch slap Deion Sanders whenever he opens his pandering trap
In that case, Tree, I don’t suggest you watch tonight’s Pro Bowl because I imagine Deion won’t shut up.
Bowman, heck yeah… PSU grad.
NHL players, a lot of them. If a coach… can’t help but think of Roy, who was throwing down in the opening week of his first season.
I would add LaVar Arrington… saw that dude in a Walmart at PSU once… couldn’t even get around him in the aisle. He was a tank.
I’m trying to think of who was the baddest Florida Gator in my day. Tough call.
I’d probably go Jevon Kearse although I’m sure I’m missing a few.
Kevin Carter was also pretty large back in the day.
And I know Patric Young seems like a nice guy and a gentle giant but have you seen the arms on that dude? Don’t be surprised when an NBA team takes a shot on him in the first round despite the fact that his game will need a LOT of work for him to log any quality minutes at the next level.
Kearse is a good call. Forgot about the Freak… man if he could have been healthier throughout his career…
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