When yelling at inanimate objects makes absolutely perfect sense

Einstein golfsAlbert Einstein is credited with defining insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.  If that’s the case, I must be a lunatic for repeatedly yelling instructions at my golf ball in mid-flight and expecting for it to do exactly what I say.

What in the world am I thinking?

Picture if you will a beautiful Florida afternoon, a 7-iron hit cleanly from 155 yards out, a cold frothy beverage in the cart parked not too far from me and a half-lit, chomped-on cigar at my feet.  The ball I just hit appears headed for the green but then, suddenly, starts tailing off to the right.

Now imagine a guy that looks eerily like me, shirt untucked and still recovering from the night before, screaming “Get Left!” at the top of this lungs, as if those two words would have any effect on the ball’s path whatsoever, as if the golf gods were somehow listening and would be gracious enough to grant me one more wish, as if I had done anything during my flawed swing that would actually, physically cause my golf ball to… get left.

No such luck, but at least shouting it felt good.

Do Not Feed The AlligatorsFoursomes the next fairway over will invariably look in my direction to see who’s yelling, probably thinking that I’m a loon as they drive off, until they realize they’re about do the same damn thing on their very next shot.

Ah, the glories of golf.

Now we’ve all heard Tiger Woods and the other professional golfers on tour scream things like “Bite!” at their golf balls.  When we do, we fully expect those balls to bite or do whatever it is they’re being instructed to do.  Those guys are professional golfers.  They know what they’re doing.  I, my friends, am no professional golfer.

Yet time after time, I still insist, dare I say expect, for my little Nike Mojo to listen to me, convinced that one of these days, it just might.  In all likelihood, I’d have better luck talking to a wall or giving up golf altogether in favor of a cheaper, less frustrating hobby.

Toronto FC v New York Red BullsWhat is it about sports fans that would cause any ordinary person to suggest we seek therapy if they ever caught us yelling at inanimate objects hundreds of yards away from us?  If we’re at a basketball game and our favorite player on our favorite team puts up a shot at the buzzer, we all scream “Get in the basket!” as if the lot of us might collectively affect the outcome.  Heck, we’ll do that even if we’re not at the game.  We can be in front of our television sets barking out orders then high-fiving each other when they come true, as if we had anything to do with it.

We didn’t.  But we’re sports fans and that’s what we do.

At least in golf, one has some sort of control over the flight of one’s golf ball.  At least that’s what I keep telling myself.  And even though shouting at it while it’s in mid-air is logically a little too late to change anything, I’m going to keep doing what I do.  And if people continue to look at me funny, at least I’m giving them a valid reason to do so.

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10 Replies to “When yelling at inanimate objects makes absolutely perfect sense”

  1. Pingback: When yelling at inanimate objects makes absolutely perfect sense - BallHyped Blog Network, Golf | BallHyped Sports Blogs

  2. Pingback: Wild Thing Fantasy Football » When yelling at inanimate objects makes absolutely perfect sense

  3. I use to think of my ex , as inanimate object ! Still do , at times .

    Your thoughts on Kareem possibly buying a stake in the Bucks ? It looks as if owner , Herb Kohl is seeking to divest himself of the NBA franchise and would rather see a group that has the intent of keeping the team in Milwaukee , Wisconsin rather than relocating it elsewhere .

    Will Eldrick ” Tiger ” Woods play in The Masters or not ? Would say his issues are physical or actually mental at present , concerning his form ?

    You can talk a good game , but can you play one ? NBA piece .

    Your thoughts on the piece below ?

    What actually makes a successful NFL owner much less a successful professional sports’ franchise owner today in the world of sports ?

    tophatal …………….

  4. Listen, Al. As lame as Kareem is, him owning the Bucks might actually infuse some life into an organization that so needs it. They can’t do any worse, right?

    He’s already got roots there, having won a title with the Big O. Heck, have they even been somewhat relevant since then? I’m not sure he’s got that kind of jack but I’m sure he can find some backers… assuming the poor guy still have people who like him.

    Maybe then he can have a statue outside a stadium.

    Re: Tiger, how can he come into the season with back pain? Didn’t he have the whole off-season to work on his conditioning? I’m not buying it.

    I wasn’t watching the tournament but the first thing that crossed my mind when I heard he withdrew was that he just quit.

    I suggest he stop by a Perkins on his way to a chiropractor to get his mind right.

  5. So, I’m jealous of the golf photos… somehow, we should find a way to hit the links together in the future. Not sure how that would work out, but I do have family in FL, so who knows.
    It’s been such a brutal winter in these parts, that I’m really looking forward to getting out on the course. Not sure when the courses are going to be ready though… could take longer than usual. There’s still a block of ice/snow on the ground, that has been there for weeks.
    Oh, and yelling at the ball is a guy’s pastime, especially if there are beers involved.

  6. KP…

    Next time you’re down here, I’ll show you how I’ve worked on my game. I’m still at bogey golf though so I could use some pointers. Just let me know.

    And bourbon, not beer. I’ll get you soused. I figure that should help level the playing field.

  7. I find myself yelling at basketball rims. All rims are not created equal. They are, however, all fairly rigid when listening to my pleas to accommodate my shots. I suspect golf balls and basketball rims are in cahoots. Which would lead anyone to drink…

  8. Ya’ know what always pissed me off, Bruce?

    Those double rims.

    I always considered myself a fairly reasonable shooter. I mean, I was no Ray Allen but I was definitely no clanker.

    Those double rims though, man. I mean, a shot had to be pure to tickle the twine. Otherwise, you better follow your own shot ’cause that sucker wasn’t going in.

  9. You’ll be happy to know, Jedly, that I did it again yesterday to the tune of a 90. Still hovering around bogey golf.

    Perhaps I should start yelling more to get my score consistently in the 80s.

    I’ll work on that.

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