The most obvious idea ever is about to make me a very wealthy man: SportsChump hereby copyrights The Professional Sports Taxi Service

“If you wanna go and take a ride with me…”

–          Nelly

I just became a millionaire.

Okay, that’s not entirely true but I did come up with an idea that will soon make me one.  I’ll meet you guys in line at the bank teller.  I’ll be the one with the hearty deposit slip and the wads of cash in his hand.

In fact, I’m going to go ahead and copyright my idea right here, right now, so when it becomes commonplace among professional sports franchises nationwide, I’ll have proof that I’m the one who thought of it first.

And like so many other good ideas of our time, it was inspired by drugs, booze and jail time.  Long live rock and roll!

IrsayIt’s all we can talk about these days.  We’re smack dab in the middle of March Madness and what grabs the headlines but the owner of the Indianapolis Colts getting pulled over and arrested for suspicion of driving under the influence.  Jim Irsay, who has had problems with drugs and alcohol in the past, has since been released and checked himself into a rehabilitation program.

He’s not the first, nor will he be the last, recognizable sports figure, whether it be owner, coach or player, to run afoul of the law for getting behind the wheel after having one too many.

The rest of us sit shaking our heads in judgment, watching the news and wondering why the hell these multi-millionaires don’t just cab it.  Why do those with so much to lose not take the necessary precautions, we’ll ask aloud, as if we’ve never been guilty of doing the same?

taxi nyc skylineWell, here’s the solution and honestly I’m amazed nobody has thought of it before.  I guess that’s why you guys keep me around.

How much do professional sports teams make in a year?  I know that number varies depending on whether you’re the New York Yankees or the Jacksonville Jaguars but think about it, how much does it cost a professional sports franchise when one of their players, or coaches, or any recognizable person within that organization sullies their reputation by getting pulled over for drunk driving, or worse, injuring someone while doing so?

What’s it worth to an organization to have that never happen again?  One hundred grand?  Two hundred grand?  Half a million?

Thanks to me, their problem is now solved.

Limo Driver for hireEach organization should employ designated drivers.

That’s right.  I said it.  It needed to be said.

Employ a staff or fleet of drivers to be at the organization’s beck and call at all hours of the day.  Wanna go out clubbin’?  Call your driver.  Wanna hit the town for a little ooh-la-la?  Pick up the phone.  Wanna just get away?  You should already have the number on speed dial.

Lease a number of Escalades or limos or whatever’s in fashion these days, park ‘em outside the stadium, pay the drivers accordingly, drug test them… obviously, and make sure whoever is taking those cars out for a leisurely stroll tips the driver handsomely for his troubles.

Problem solved.

No more embarrassing black eyes for the organization.  No more owners in the slam and as fun as they might be for us to look up online, no more athlete mug shots.  I don’t mind giving up my time Googling athletes who have been arrested if it means reading about one less drunken athlete on the side of the road.  Better yet, TMZ would go out of business.

It all sounds pretty simple to me.

Back in the day, the Detroit Pistons became one of the first teams to fly players around on their own private jet.  It sure as hell beat flying commercial.  Plus way more leg room.

I would imagine keeping a few drivers and vehicles around would beat the hell out having to explain to the media and your ever-dwindling fan base why so many of your employees end up with criminal records.

Teams could even play it off as if they were “concerned about their players’ well-beings” and “the benefit of the community at large” when we all really know deep down inside it’s only their own reputation they’re worried about.  Plus I’m sure it’s a pretty hefty tax exemption.

Either way, who cares?  Any way you slice it, it’s one less sot behind the wheel.  And that’s a good thing.

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13 Replies to “The most obvious idea ever is about to make me a very wealthy man: SportsChump hereby copyrights The Professional Sports Taxi Service”

  1. Chris

    So you would have also taken Jim Irsay’s drug paraphernalia as part of your ride ? He could’ve put both CVS and Walgreens out of business with the alleged contraband found in his possession . Like I said , the league does ##ck all concerning drug testing in and out of season, as it relates to certain steroids and PED’s because they and their chicken-#hit union (NFLPA) hide behind an idiotic premise as to their ” right to privacy “ , but yet these are the very same @ssholes who voted on ratified a deal that meant testing was to begin at the start of the 2010 NFL season . So many idiot fans still believe the NFL to be the best ran entity of the four major professional team sports . That has to be the biggest joke of all, base and build on that premise solely because of multi-billion dollar revenues and not based on any goddamn common sense legislation coming from Roger Goodell and the league hierarchy .

    Only now is Goodell seeking to punish Jim Irsay ? The NFL commissioner remains a dumb @ss . This is far from the first incident concerning the Colts’ owner of the past six seasons but now is the time he feels to act . What a damn moron ! I forgot in the NFL , first the alleged has to kill someone with a vehicle before this lame @ss commissioner acts .

  2. Let me ask you a question, Al.

    Should athletes and owners be held to a different standard?

    Let’s say Goodell comes down and suspends Irsay for four or eight games?

    Should that be a standard punishment for such a crime? Should a player be suspended the same amount for doing the same thing? More or less?

    Or should Goodell not do anything and just let the law take care of the appropriate punishment?

  3. Can you remember how Donte Stallworth was punished by the league initially ? Or in the cases of Leon Lett , and Santonio Holmes , in terms of their bouts of running afoul of the law ? Please stop it with this damn idiocy of Goodell being ever proactive , concerning a damn thing concerning players’ behavioral issues . The guy remains a damn imbecile and now you’re tying to credit him for this terms a proposed action and Jim Irsay ? How long has Irsay been on and off the wagon in terms of his drug and alcohol dependency over the last decade ? You don’t even raise that as a question , but you’re talking about Roger Goodell taking action ? What a joke !

    Goodell has it within his right to punish players with impunity under the league’s collective bargaining agreement but the union(NFLPA) can seek to challenge any punishment rendered by the commissioner , even if it relates to a criminal act .

  4. When has the law actually done the right thing, when it actually comes to punishing an athlete for committing a crime ? Other than Rae Carruth , name a specific incident ? Stallworth had his case plead down to a misdemeanor in the death of a civilian . Please, stop with this asinine belief , that the law or justice system , actually has the victims’ best interests at hand . You know better than that or are you simply that naive ?

  5. Al…

    Perhaps you should reread what I wrote, or rather asked you.

    I never credited Goodell for anything.

    I asked you a question about what you thought, whether players and owners should be held to the same or different standards. I don’t even mention Goodell in the piece, dude. Chill.

    When have I ever credited Goodell for being proactive on anything that was positive for the game? Perhaps you have me confused with someone else.

  6. Chump,

    That was so well explained that I’d be surprised if ‘some’ pro franchises consider this seriously. And in terms of PR and contracts etc the limo service is uber cheap.

    Re: Goodell’s continuous over reaching, I believe that his powers are more limited to unions players rather than the owners themselves. He could lobby other owners for a bit of opprobrium but otherwise Irsay is a private citizen and not a member of the players union so likely he can say ‘F’ Goodell.

    OTOH Irsay himself is quite the douche in so many ways so we might as well enjoy the spectacle.

  7. No shots on Al while you’re here, Tree? C’mon, you know I need the help.

    It’s okay, nothing wrong with a little in and out.

    Like I told you over at the forum, one could argue these sports teams don’t want the added liability but I’d propose there’s more liability in NOT doing something like this.

    I’d even run it for them… for a small fee, of course.

    I know they want to think their players are adults but temptation is, and always will be, a motherfucker.

  8. Somebody mentioned it…are you going to accept the drug use in your cab? For your plan to work you have no choice but to allow it. If the cab/limo driver says ” no you can’t fire up that spliff in back or do rails ” you will have zero customers.

  9. What got me about the Irsay thing was after this story broke I read article after article indicating it was known by everyone he was walking on thin ice for years. It was like the national media conspired to not out him to get help because he was such great copy. Where was the NFL in all this? The greatest PR machinery in the world didn’t move from under center to get this guy settled down and tucked away off-line to avoid a debacle like they have now. All eyes will be watching this very carefully to see how the Owner’s commissioner…disciplines an Owner.

  10. Hey Chris,

    Not sure, but I believe several teams already have private taxi services for their players. New York teams definitely have these cab services on deck already. Yet players still don’t utilize them.

  11. Burnsy…

    Look, I get it if the NFL wants to suspend, or not suspend, Irsay and do it under the table.

    I’m not even saying he should be punished.

    I just want to know if there’s any consistency in the league’s rules.

    I get that these guys get a pass. I would just like to know if owners get more of a pass than players or whether the league has any set rules on this stuff whatsoever.

  12. BS…

    I guess taxi drivers got tired of seeing Jeter bang hot girls in the back of his limo.

    Or maybe Chris Chambliss was trying to move in on his action.

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