A fever-inspired, sports world turned upside-down Chumpservations, Vol. 32

Sick in bedI’ve been bed-ridden lately with a pretty nasty fever so I apologize for not contributing my usual batch of internet clutter.  The good news is that my doctor has ruled out mono, halitosis, gingivitis and chronic tardiness so I got that going for me… which is nice.

This is how I know I’ve been really sick.  When driving home from the doctor’s office the other day, I barely had enough energy to keep my foot on the gas pedal. I looked in my rear view mirror only to find senior citizens tailgating ME.  I guess turnabout is fair play.

So, while laid up from couch to bed to couch and back to bed, trying to escape the pool of sweat I had left behind in each, I was able to semi-groggily catch up on some of the events in the world of sports and all things otherwise that have turned the world as we know it on its head.

2014 come back lebronJust when we thought we couldn’t hate LeBron James any more than we already do, he goes and declares himself a free agent.  Suddenly, all of south Florida needs a hug.  Days before he had to legally announce it, LeBron made yet another city-crushing decision, possibly alienating the only fan base he had left.  Of course, Miami can pay him more than any other team but that also leaves them with the inability to sign a supporting cast to replace the aging one they already have.  LeBron’s career is slowly becoming a game of musical chairs.  We can’t fault the guy (or can we?) for using the means presented him to find the best situation that will grant him another ring whether that be in Los Angeles, Houston, Miami.  We already hate the guy and have concluded that however many rings he wins, they won’t equal Michael’s storybook six so we can finally put that argument to rest and never bring it up again.  Today’s is a different NBA and LeBron is doing what he thinks is best to define his career.  He’s 29 years old and has already been to five NBA championships, winning two and losing three.  But it’s how he did it that bothers us most.  Barring his handing us all cold hard cash and a nice, cold glass of Kool-Aid, LeBron will never go down as the greatest basketball player ever.  That’s because, fairly or not, objectively or not, we get to decide who that is and most of us have already made up our minds.

Ronaldo American FlagSpeaking of turning the world on its head, what the hell is going on in the World Cup?  Spain, Italy, England and Portugal are all going home without even the opportunity to truly enjoy the beaches of Copacabana.  Spain and Italy are your last two Cup champions.  They won’t be repeating.  And the US advances out of the Group of Death leaving Ronaldo to plan his next hair appointment.  To all my soccer-phobes who have complained about ties, your prayers have been answered.  There will be no more ties after the first round.  Only sixteen countries remain.  The good news is the USA is one of those sixteen.  The bad news is that they may have to play Lionel Messi and Argentina in the third round.

Suarez ChielliniIn the waning minutes of the Ecuador-Italy match, Luis Suarez took a bite out of his opponent, literally.  While going after the ball, already up a goal, Suarez bit down hard upon the shoulder of Italian defender Giorgio Chiellini, leaving Chiellini to pull down his shirt and show the bite marks to officials as if he were Giorgio Costanza looking for verification that it was really John Voight’s pencil.  FIFA has since suspended Suarez for nine games, which is the rest of the Cup and beyond.  Suarez is Ecuador’s best and obviously most malnourished player.  This wasn’t Suarez’s first act of Hannibalism either.  In fact, he’s bitten players in two other matches.  I guess Suarez is doing his best to solve world hunger one soccer player at a time.

Hopin Hopes not crazySpeaking of soccer hooligans, Hope Solo is back in the news.  The outspoken goalkeeper was once the face of US Women’s Soccer.  You can now see her face on a mug shot near you.  She was recently arrested on domestic violence charges.  On a wine binge, apparently Solo started beating the crap out of her nephew and others at a family get together.  And they say wine is supposed to calm the nerves.  I’ll be the first to admit my family is a bit on the kooky side.  We’ve even been known to partake in a touch of the bubbly when we get together but I don’t recall us ever beating the crap out of each other with broomstick handles.  Yes, that happened.  Solo has since been released and ordered neither to drink nor have any communication with those family members present at the alleged incident.  Leave it to Hope Solo to make Tonya Harding look normal.

Big time timmy jimOn a more inspiring and far less abusive note, San Francisco Giants ace Tim Lincecum pitched his second career no-hitter.  Ironically both of his no-hitters came against the San Diego Padres which on second thought isn’t so ironic considering the Padres have sucked butt for years.  But there’s a disturbing trend to Lincecum’s no-hitters.  His first no-no came while he was sporting his token “Dazed and Confused” mullet.  Now the mullet is gone but he appears to have grown a pencil-thin mustache, the Boston Blackie kind.  The baby-faced Lincecum is 30 years old but could easily pass for an extra in 22 Jump Street. Congratulations to Big Time Timmy Jim for not twerking after his accomplishment which brings us to our next sports oddity.

Wie twerksThe long-legged, next big thing in women’s golf, Michelle Wie, finally won her first major at the age of 24. Afterwards, she celebrated with friends at a house party by drinking booze out of the trophy, twerking upside down against the wall and giving the finger in random photos.  Fortunately, Hope Solo was not invited.  Far be it from me to sound like an old fart and judge Wie for her behavior.  If I were talented enough to win one of golf’s four majors, I’d probably gallop through the streets naked later explaining to the media I had no recollection of the event.  But that doesn’t change the fact that we should choose our posse more carefully.  Please, people, when you’re out with your friends and they’re doing something embarrassing, put down the videophone and just take a mental picture.  That way we can save TMZ and Instagram all the web traffic.

quesaritoNow on to even more repulsive matters.  Sometimes the mixture of two food groups can result in pure delight.  Take Reese’s for example.  The farmhand turned genius HB Reese once had the good sense to combine chocolate with peanut butter and in doing so, made the world a far better place.  I’m not so sure Taco Bell is doing the same.  The good people at the Border just came up with the “Quesarito” which is, ingeniously and disgustingly, a combination of a quesadilla and a burrito.  Leave it to the fast food industry to continue to harden our arteries every chance they get.  Here’s the thing.  They can call it whatever they want.  All Mexican food is the same.  Tacos, enchiladas, burritos, quesadillas, they’re all sandwiches with interchangeable ingredients, whether it’s beef or cheese or rice or whatever.  Just substitute the bread for a hard or soft taco or tortilla shell and voila… your Mexisandwich.  Please tell me I’m not the only one who realizes this.  And lastly, speaking of fat and unnecessary…

Melissa McCarthyThere comes a point in every actor’s life, if they’re unfortunate enough, where they oversaturate the market with their image.  I’m afraid that’s now officially the case with Melissa McCarthy, whose new film Tammy is set to be released July 2nd.  As I’ve been bed-ridden these last few days, I’ve been forced to witness more than a few trailers for this film.  I didn’t laugh once.  In fact, I couldn’t tell whether my nausea was derived from my fever or the trailers themselves.  I’m just saying I’d like to spend a day without seeing her riding upside down on a Jet Ski, sipping on a Slurpee or sticking up a fast food restaurant, which I guess is somewhat realistic since she couldn’t possibly be sticking up a health food store.  If this film receives anything above a 3 on the IMDB scale, it’s because the McCarthy family has multiple accounts.  This will be Melissa’s sixth film in the last three years in which she plays essentially the same character, a charmingly overweight, sassy, rough exterior, soft interior, unkempt woman you don’t want to be around all that often because she always has something quippy to say.  Don’t get me wrong.  She was great in Bridesmaids (nominated for an Oscar) and was typecast in Hangover III as Alan’s one true love but how are those roles any different from the one in which she played the cop with Sandra Bullock?  Her agent is clearly the hardest working person in show business keeping Melissa laughing all the way to the bank.  It’s just too bad the rest of us stopped laughing a long time ago.


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26 Replies to “A fever-inspired, sports world turned upside-down Chumpservations, Vol. 32”

  1. You shouldn’t share needles… Yeah… I know…

    This is one of those years where I not only had to suffer through the long, drawn out NHL and NBA seasons but also have to put up with the rest of the world’s great “wreathing in pain for a penalty call” sport of soccer… The saving grace is knowing American Football is right around the corner! YEA!

  2. But there were two of us and only one needle, Dwin. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

    And I’m into the Cup in full force. In fact, today was a great day to be sick. Tiger back on tour, US advances and the NBA Draft.

    I’d only be happier if I didn’t have to share the needle.

  3. Luis Suarez of Uruguay has set tongues wagging. Third time is a charm , when you get caught biting an opponent during a soccer match . Mike Tyson was overheard saying that he thought it was idiotic to suspend the player for the remainder of the World Cup and for him to miss the first two months of the upcoming Premiership season for his club side Liverpool .

  4. Who’s giving Andrew Wiggins his fashion tips ? Wade or LeBron ? Will Joel Embiid’s career in the NBA be short and bittersweet , given his recurring medical problems ?

    The NBA Draft remains a monotonous bore but yet fans remain riveted by this idiocy and farce .

    Linecum has been one of the better pitchers in the NL over the past five seasons and the no hitter was simply proof of that fact .

    The Rays this season are not capable of winning ninety game much less eighty-five in 2014 , no matter how optimistic Maddon might be . As things now stand this might be the last time the fans will see David Price in a Rays’ uniform as the team meanders aimlessly nowhere . The Rays lack heart and the will to win , never mind having no vocal leader on the entire roster . As to the claims about the pitching staff , well that idiocy has been put to rest this season .

    Wie was a phenom ? I hear Ty Tryon (now on the Nationwide Tour) and his family are still trying to figure out what the word actually means and how to spell it . If dog $hit were relevant the print and television media within sports would find something to write about it much like the idiot fans and analysts who hype up mediocre athletes as being something special . Next up Johnny Football as he lays siege to the NFL this season with the Browns . That ought to be fun to watch as Cleveland seeks to make the postseason .
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    Hope Solo , again , having problems ? I hear boyfriend and former Bucs’ player Jerramy Stevens also has anger management issues .

    The restaurant in Dundee caters the patrons with Jamaican style cuisine and not Latin .

    tophatal …………………

  5. Ed O’Bannon and NCAA President Mark Emmert are now jockeying for the position as to who might be the most disliked person in collegiate athletics . Does anyone remember O’Bannon’s career in the NBA ? O’Bannon seeks integrity within the NCAA by bringing about his lawsuit in US Federal Court , while Emmert continues to show that the institution he presides over couldn’t give a $hit about the student athlete much less about sports in general . It’s all about making that ” cheddar ” and that has been it .

    Inga the Swedish masseuse will come in and cure you of what ails you , for the right price .

  6. It is like you were addressing me with LeBron bit lol. I don’t hate the guy, just think he is a clown. The best basketball player on the planet and one of the greatest of all time…highest upside ever. His problem is he lacks it between the ears plain and simple and it will keep him from reaching the pinnacle.

    I too am in full force with the cup…has been awesome. The US is just not that good honestly. They played great in one game (Portugal) and were dominated in 2 others…and yes they won one of those but had no business really. After watching Germany toy with the US for 90 minutes it should be apparent to everybody that the US is nowhere near being one of the elite. I will be rooting hard for the US against Belgium. Who knows, they may be able to pull it out. Either way it was a great achievement for the US to advance, but they have a lot of work to do to get to the next level.

    I won’t even address Melissa McCarthy.

  7. Forget the Quesarito. I much prefer my own creation, the smothered quesadilla (a cheese quesadilla smothered in carne guisada topped with shredded lettuce and shredded cheese) from one of our locally owned Mexican restaurants.

  8. Lebron made himself bigger than the game. Yes, the advertiser’s seduced him with big money for his “King James” commercials, then he did his “three amigos” announcement on prime time. That’s all it took for me to turn against him. Give me Tim Duncan type athletes all day long!
    As for the World Cup, most of the small third world countries have a larger population than we have true soccer fans. Yes, 90% of America is paying attention to it, but only to watch the US team and if/when they are eliminated, only a couple of million (not counting the millions of illegal immigrants) will give a rats ass about who’s still playing and who wins.
    And what other sport will you see fans shouting “USA, USA”, jumping up and down cheering, rioting and destroying property! Team USA was lucky to back in to the elimination round. Don’t get me wrong, I’m enjoying team USA’s pursuit, but I will be just like the other millions of fans that will totally ignore the World Cup when the USA is eliminated.

  9. Being sick sucks ass. Load up on vitamin C buddy.

    LBJ opting out was almost necessary. As structured, all of the big 3 would need to take cuts to add a decent player. Now it’s on Wade & Bosh to do the same if they want another crack at this thing. 4 straight Finals appearances and two rings is nothing to sneeze at. Picking up Napier was brilliant by Riles after James tweeted that he was his favorite player in the draft. I think he stays, but obviously would rather he comes to LA.

    Soccer violent?…You don’t say. They’re only using teeth and broomsticks because it’s illegal to use hands.

    Mitch hair or porn stache, Lincecum is a stud.

    Michelle Wie can celebrate with a dance on my pole anytime.

    Arteries schmarteries, those vegan kale chompers will all die too, eat what you like. YOLO

    Melissa’s Bridesmaids role was genius but now she’s dropping loads in theaters instead of bathrooms sinks.

  10. I actually found this year’s NBA draft intriguing and quite classy, Al.

    This draft was the most anticipated in years, even more so than 2003 because everyone knew Bron Bron was going number one. In this one, we had no idea. And we have no idea which draft pick will become the best player. It’s wide open.

    Not to mention what the league did by drafting that could who could never play again, c’mon, man, that must’ve jerked your heart strings just a touch. Oh, that’s right. I forgot. You don’t have one.

    You’re right about Lincecum. He’s been at it for some time now too and what I like most about the kid is that he’s Pedro’s size and stature and still mowing guys down.

    Yes. Rays, Rays, Rays, they’re bad. You can stop bringing that up any time now unless something new develops.

    And O’Bannon and his brother won a national championship under Lavin at UCLA. And his name, like it or not, solid pro NBA career or not, will always be linked with the first chink in the NCAA’s self-made armor. For that he should at least be acknowledged.

  11. D…

    This isn’t all about you, ya know, he he.

    Nah, I do think the general consensus doesn’t care for the guy much. And we can argue about how much of that is his doing. Either way, it’s pretty much fact. Me? I don’t mind the guy. I don’t take what he’s doing personally and I don’t mind if he plays the system. Keep in mind, Jordan knew how to work the refs. We didn’t criticize him for it. We just came to take it as a given. LeBron’s bucking the system. He’ll now stay in Miami because they got the UConn point guard they wanted. The kid had barely put a Hornets hat on.

    I’ll play devil’s advocate with you on the US, man. I was working for the Ghana game so I didn’t get to watch much. I hear they controlled most of the game BUT we still won. We looked pretty good against Portugal til those last seconds. And Germany is Germany. Clearly they’re better. But we are missing our best player which means, I’m guessing, a few people are playing out of position. At the end of that last game, Jermaine Jones just looked gassed. And Bradley’s not living up to the hype. But our D has been solid.

    I like our chances against Belgium although I don’t know much about their team. I do know Argentina will be a bear BUT if somehow we can pull that off, just imagine what that would do for US Soccer.

    If we win, I predict orgies in the streets of Ybor. I’ll send pics if it happens.

    Oh and I guess you’re still bitter about that breakup with Melissa. Sorry to open up old wounds.

  12. Dan…

    You actually raise an interesting point. If most of us prefer a Tim Duncan type athlete over a LeBron, why are the ratings for LeBron games so much higher?

    And Team USA didn’t back into the second round. They were ahead the whole time. They just did enough not to lose their position.

    I do agree with you that once we’re bounced, viewership will dissipate.

    It is fun as hell though to chant “U!S!A!” in a crowded bar with hundreds of others.

  13. Bleed…

    I’ve been medicating, that’s for damn sure, and not in the fun way. Probably dropped about eight pounds and haven’t had a drink since Monday. For me, that’s like a record or something. I don’t expect it to last much longer, however. I’m not into setting records I have no interest setting, if you know what I mean.

    When talking about Miami’s salary structure and comparing it to San Antonio’s, there’s a world of difference. It’ll be interesting to see how much they cough up to sign people… and who they’re going to sign. I mean, who on that roster right now do they even keep?

  14. Now that everyones opted out, chasing the player to add would be the smart step for Riles. I think they alll want to stay, hence the opt outs, so once they sign Gortat, Pau or whoever the 4th wheel is, they can spread whats left out evenly between them.

    Going after a big man makes the most sense. Its their most glaring hole since they scooped up Napier to man the point.

    Allen, Haslem and probably any of the other second tier guys will come back to take another shot at a ring for whatever Riles offers.

  15. I just don’t like the fact that Bosh plays nowhere near the paint on the offensive end of the ball.

    I mean, last time I checked it did say PF on his basketball card, didn’t it?

  16. In Bish’s case, that may stand for Pussy Foot.

    Which is exactly why they should forget Lowry and get a big. The two I mentionedas well as a Spencer Hawes, Kaman or any other able bodied big would do. Oden is toast.

    With LeBeast down there, Bish is more than content with to jack up 15 footers…and he’s good at it. Birdman, LeBron and the new big allow Bosh…sorry, Bish…that luxury. That beingsaid, it is hard to justify giving him that much of a cut to be a jump shooter, but again, 4 straight trips to the Finals makes it a little easier…Especially if they fill that gaping hole in the paint in the meantime.

  17. I’d love to see them go after a guy like Horford.

    I don’t think that’s even possible but he’s exactly what they need.

    A guy that can present a consistent scoring threat in the post to detract attention from the perimeter guys.

    But I’m just a Gator homer so what do I know?

  18. NCAA President Mark Emmert wants to settle this mess with O’Bannon , the old fashioned way . Pistols at dawn from thirty paces .

    Chris what the ##ck is Jason Kidd’s problem ? One year as a head coach of half #ssed team and he believe he is ready to take over the day to day running of the Nets’ front office ? The guy was always an egotistical bas#ard as well as spousal abuser . He and Herb Kohl </a. should now get on like a house on fire , now that he's been called in to coach the Bucks .

    Anyone with half a mind , knew that the number one pick in this year’s draft had to be between Andrew Wiggins and Jabari Parker . Only an idiot , would believe otherwise , They have been by far the two best players in college basketball , all season long .

    Chris Archer might be one of the few bright spots on this Rays’ team beyond Matt Joyce . Odds on Price being traded between now and the end of July ? Maddon is of the opinion that the team can still win the division ? I can’t see that happening as they have been way too inconsistent and the wildcard now seems beyond them . They are beginning even the Astros look good . Your thoughts on the story now coming about the AL West based team and possible wrongdoing on their part ?

  19. I’m not sure what Jason Kidd is smoking these days, Al, but I can tell you that Larry Drew is not his biggest fan right now.

    Can you imagine, sitting in your office, thinking everything is honky-dory then hearing that you’ve just lost your job because your franchise just traded for Jason Kidd… and he’s a coach!

    That was some weird shit that went on down there. Milwaukee will not be making the playoffs next year.

    Embiid came on late in the year, Al, and you can’t coach height. That’s why so many analysts were keen on him. Heck, all someone has to do is suggest he reminds them of a young Hakeem Olajuwon and he’ll have GMs breathing heavy. Of course, some comparisons are completely ludicrous.

    I like Archer, man. It was a good signing. Don’t look now but the Rays have won five of six. Still too early to start talking about anything but at least the players are hustling.

  20. Don’t worry, you’re not alone regarding ‘Tammy’. The wife even said “that looks stupid”, and the reviews have apparently not been kind, either. Hey, we all have our flops, right? Well, famous people, at least…

    Is it hot down there? It’s so hot up here, even Boston’s offense is on fire. Red Sox zing. Boom.

  21. Herb Kohl is an @ss ! As owner of the Bucks you can understand why that franchise has been bust over the last decade .

    How is that the league has not fined Kidd for his actions ? The NBA remains a badly ran and ass of an organization and hierarchy !

    So A Rod received a waiver from baseball to use a banned substance (link inset) in 2007 and for much of that season ? Oh well and we wonder what ##ck goes on and why in that particular sport ? Why does baseball actually remain relevant when it has no f##king leadership whatsoever ? In 2007 the player won the AL MVP , if memory serves me correctly ?

  22. She really hasn’t watched it much at all… it turned out exactly how I said over at thewifehatessports.com, potentially in passing when she would move through the room and take a passing glance. She didn’t even really watch the USA at all, and I had to give her a hard time for that, of course.

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