Chumpservations, Vol. 34: Draft picks, cookie monsters and the last great boxing match any of us will ever see

Darko stomach tattooDraft Picks Gone Bad

You see some disturbing things while surfing the internet but this week, disturbing just kicked it up a notch.

I don’t know whether draft busts Sam Bowie or Ryan Leaf have ever sunk so low as to make their stomach tattoos drink beer directly from the bottle but a number two overall pick equally as infamous did just that and is now an image forever burned into my head.

With the NFL Draft a day away, I’d like to know if Joe Dumars has seen the video of a shirtless Darko Milicic, a former top draft pick of his, chugging beer from a bottle then feeding some to his stomach tattoos… as if Joe D doesn’t already have sleepless nights regretting that horrible, horrible decision.

You can talk about draft busts Sam Bowie and Ryan Leaf all you want.  At least the Portland Blazers and San Diego Chargers have recovered from those ill-fated, draft day blunders.  The Pistons haven’t sniffed relevance ever since Joe Dumars took Milicic over, get this, Dwyane Wade, Carmelo Anthony and Chris Bosh.

Did Joe think Darko was the next Dirko?  I know European players were becoming all the rage but didn’t he sit down with the guy and have a heart to heart?  Couldn’t he look into his crystal ball and foresee the man, one day down the road, feeding his stomach tattoos suds while jamming topless to the Serbian sitar strumming in the background?

That’s the thing about draft picks.  You never know.  Who knows if the Buccaneers top pick this year will end up living in a shopping cart, turning tricks and sipping on cough medicine while selling black market seal pelts to high school kids?  I shudder at the thought.  Not of the poor baby seals but of the Buccaneers being bad for another ten years thanks to a Dumars-like decision.


TahoeServing Size One.  Yea, right.

So what’s up with these Pepperidge Farm cookies?  I just found some at my local super market that were buy one get one.  Obviously, I couldn’t resist.

They only come eight to a package and cost about four dollars.  It’s not that I’m opposed to paying fifty cents for a cookie.  They’re damn good cookies.  But Pepperidge Farm has to know that package is going down in one sitting.  I mean, who has the will power to not eat an entire package of those white chocolate macadamia deals in one fell swoop?  They’re delicious.  That whole serving size information on the side of the bag is just a guideline, right?  Like a speed limit.  We don’t actually drive the speed limit.  We drive a few miles over it.  So don’t try to tell me the serving size is one unless you mean one package.

Has anyone in the history of mankind not finished one of these bags right after opening them?  Even if they’re stale (and they only get stale because we forget we have them in our cupboard), we still finish them, rustling whatever crumbs lay at the bottom of the bag, disappointed that a cracked cookie might mean Pepperidge Farm gypped us.  Those bastards!

What’s even more amazing is how they pack all that guilt into the bag at no extra charge.


Manny MoneyBout, bout, let it all out

Speaking of finishing things quickly (insert sexual reference here), the Pacquaio-Mayweather boxing match sold out in a record sixty seconds.  If that doesn’t exemplify America’s unquenched thirst for the sweet science, I don’t know what does.

Here’s what I understand least about the gradual devolution of boxing.  It’s not that corruption runs rampant through the sport.  Greased palms exist in all organized sports.  Just look at the NCAA, the International Olympic Committee, FIFA World Cup Soccer, Major League Baseball during the steroid era, mixed martial arts and the NFL and its concussion crisis.

Nor does it faze me that tickets for Pacquiao-Mayweather are going for over $100,000.  What confounds me most is that with all this desire, with people wanting to see quality fights so bad, with our continued reverence for champions of the past, with all this demand, professional boxing and those who run it have STILL found a way to run the sport into the ground.

It’d be like a bunch of thirsty, starving people walking into my bar with good money to spend and me refusing to serve them despite our kitchen’s incredible delicacies and the tons of liquor that lie behind me.

It makes absolutely no sense and it’s a crying shame, the fact that Congress wants to step in and intervene in every sport EXCEPT boxing.

Enjoy Pacquaio-Mayweather, friends.  America will stop what they’re doing on Saturday night to watch the last great fight any of us will ever see.  It’s bound to shatter all viewing records.  And it should, even though both these boxers are well past their prime.

It’s been almost twenty years since we’ve seen a fight this big.  It’ll be even longer until we see the next one.

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13 Replies to “Chumpservations, Vol. 34: Draft picks, cookie monsters and the last great boxing match any of us will ever see”

  1. Darko…The name said it all..Joe should have read the tea leaves…or tats. It’s also why “if” the Lakers somehow end up with the #1 pick, they should trade it. Matter of fact, as long as we stay in the top 4, trade it. Offer the pick, Jordan Hill and Nick Young to Sacramento for DeMarcus Cousins.

    Guilt? Why?
    Wise man once said, eat healthy, don’t drink, don’t smoke, go to bed early, you’re still gonna die. Enjoy it while you’re here.

    Congress intervine? Good lord, please no.
    You know what the opposite of Congress is, right?
    Those scumbags in DC have screwed up our glorious Republic worse than the boxing powers that be have ruined boxing.

    I’m content. I want for nothing…Well…I guess that’s relative, but I do want this fight to live up to the hype…It’s been over a decade in the making (Mainly because Floyd’s been doin chicken righter than Colonel Sanders), but hey…It’s finally on like Donkey Kong. Anyway, I hope Pacman knocks that wife beating, braggadocious, illiterate, Beiber pedophile chump the fuck out. 🙂

  2. Bleed…

    Are you sure you want Cousins when other names like Love and Westbrook have surfaced? And what about Durant? Why rush things? Give it one more year with Kobe and then go after sure things. I’m still leery of Cousins, man.

    And speaking of Bieber, there have to be some good Bieber props on this fight? Who’s he sit with? Did he pay for his seats or is he a guest of Money May? Will he be wearing sunglasses? Will he wearing a baseball cap? Will it be tilted sideways? Will he be in the ring after a Money victory?

    Bab-y, bab-y, bab-y oooooooooh!

  3. I say Cousins because I think he’s attainable.
    He’s also only 24, a legit 7 footer, a proven NBA talent and likely the best under 25 big in the league right now besides The Unibrow.

    Hey, if Ron Artest can go from The Malice in the Palace, come here and win a Citizenship award anythings possible.

    Not that I wouldn’t be happy with Aldridge, Gasol, Love or any other of the big names that have been mentioned in Lakers related rumors. I just want a young big cornerstone. My dream guy to fill that void is Anthony Davis, but who’s isn’t? Cousin’s might be the next best hope in that regard.

    Then again, it might be that I am so deprived of the success I’m accustomed to as a Lakers fan, I’m desperate….Clamoring for DeMarcus Cousins. Pathetic, right?

    Thanks again for the veto David Stern. I hope you get locked in a shower with Jerry Sandusky.

  4. The NBA Draft of that year when Milicic was a high pick had to be one where the general managers went out the night before got into a drunken and drug hazed stupor . The ensuing comments must’ve been made ____ which of us will screw up this whole process with a real dumb @ss pick ? History has this all duly noted.

    By the way , it must tell you something also when Michael Beasley is now rehashed repeatedly by the Miami Heat , but a bi#ch like Alonzo Mourning , now a front office executive with the Heat , still whining like a @ussy, because LBJ went back to Cleveland, rather than remain in Miami . Here’s my question for Zo’ , if as an executive , why did he not question Pat Riley and ask that Riles bolster the roster during the off-season ?

    Money wins this fight , either by a knockout or majority decision . I doubt the fight goes the full twelve rounds unless there’s a misstep by the unbeaten Las Vegas’ based fighter. With it Floyd walks off and away with the biggest single purse (prize) in sports’ history , an estimated $200 million .

    Tophatal ……..

  5. Fayweather is skilled but you stated it well… he’s scared. Freddie Roach claims that Fayweather NEVER wanted this fight which is why he ran and hid for 5+ years.. now he’s cornered but he so scared he’s acting like a eunuch.

    The latest is making a deal over inspecting Pacquaio’s cup.

    Like “The Best Ever” would do such petty shit.

    The WORLD is on PacMan’s side… just hoping he can run the coward down and apply adequate leather upside his bkitch ass face.

    And then bkitch slap coattail riding Beiber on his victorious way out of the ring

  6. Just a question as a newbie here – what’s the thought on how much running / counter-punching Money can get away with? Or can MP eventually catch him and win a round here and there?

  7. Floyd Mayweather “The Best Ever”?


    …Last I heard, only sissies throw slaps and run away.

    His “style” of “fighting” is exactly why MMA has surpassed boxing.

    People want to see a FIGHT…Not a slap and run match. It’s the basic entertainment via gladiator mentality that draws people to fights in the first place. They didn’t build that Coliseum in Rome to watch slap-n-run fights. They want to see engagement from the fighters. The battle of wills played out in physical form. Mayweather does exactly the opposite of that and it feels like an affront to the folks who dug into their wallet to see a FIGHT.

    This is why the purse should be 75% to the winner.
    90% if they knock the opponent out.
    Betcha see more engagement then.

  8. Still just seems like a risk to me, Bleed. I don’t know why.

    Maybe it’s the attitude.

    Are you sure you want to lock up major money on what I’d call not yet a sure thing? Is he going to be able to cohabitate peacefully with the rest of your roster and bring it to the next level? Again, I’m just not sold yet.

    I was gonna say. Wouldn’t you rather have Aldridge?

  9. Speaking of draft picks, Al, do you think the Bucs made the right call last night?

    And I agree with you on the fight. I’m was surprised to see such low numbers on the fight going the distance.

    Where are you watching it?

  10. The world might be on Pac-Man’s side, Tree, but they’re not gonna be in the ring with him.

    I’m with Al on this one. I think Money May takes it… and is then incorrigible afterwards.

  11. I’m not the only one…
    Looks like your boy Danny is on board the Boogie train too:

    Aldridge is 30. Cousins 24.
    I think that plays a major part in my thinking as well as McAingenroes. The upside and youth is a huge factor. Both the Sieze and Lakers are rebuilding around a young core. To add Cousins to a talented, youthful core of Clarkson, Randle and whatever free agents we can lure over the next couple years would be pretty potent.

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