SportsChump has always been on the cutting edge when it comes to hardcore, provocative sports analysis.
This, my friends, is another one of those times.
Please allow me to turn the lights down low, slip some Marvin Gaye onto the turntables, break out the lava lamp and as the Ladies Man would say “sip on a little Courvoisier.”
Let’s talk about sex, baby.
As a far too frequently sophomoric male, moments arise when, if you listen carefully, an announcer will use a term that will have duplicate meaning, enough to make you giggle. Well, at least they do to me.
We hear them all the time. A pitcher “delivering the high hard one” means he’s throwing fastballs up and in to opposing batters. A poker player “pushing all in” refers not to what you’re thinking but rather to the moment he moves his remaining chips to the middle of the table.
Football players “matriculating their way downfield” by no means refers to well, you know. It means when a team is, ahem, trying to score.
There are unlimited examples of sexual innuendo in sports. You just have to keep your ears perked. We have boxers “trading blows,” basketball players needing to “watch their back door,” and football players being “ball secure.” I’ve heard Ron Jaworski blast Christian Ponder’s inability to gain yardage when being blitzed by saying “You gotta make some plays with that loaded box.” NBA analyst Hubie Brown constantly talks about point guards being “quality ball-handlers” and commends their “knack for finding the hole.”
I’ve heard Bill Raftery describe a college hoopster blocking a shot and saying “It’s amazing how quickly he gets up!” Going to the line to sink two free throws, I’ve heard another announcer say “he really needs a pair right now.”
One evening, Golden State guard Klay Thompson was posting up the much shorter Ty Lawson. He scored easily off the glass. It was shortly thereafter that I heard Hubie Brown again say “I’m giving you about six inches here.” “His length is a factor” is another common one when talking about a shot-blocking defender with arms long enough to alter shots. When talking about the Atlanta Hawks pick-and-roll offense, player-turned-analyst Reggie Miller said “I’m really loving this two-man action.”
I’ve heard Al Michaels once say the Saints had a “heavy package defensively.” Recently, during the Deflate-Gate scandal, Tom Brady told us how he “grabs and squeezes his balls” before each game.
There was a Florida football game played in the pouring rain last season. The female sideline reporter told America she was “a little soggy down here.” She was, of course, referring to the weather and not how excited she was to be covering the game.
I could go on but in my mind, the end-all, be-all of sexual sports innuendos is “It’s all about the penetration.” And that, my friends, is true in all walks of life.
A white boy with more than six inches ? Damn homey , that’s definitely not just an innuendo but it’s going to create some furor now among the ” sistas” who still complain the bruthas just want ” white meat ” . Could this mean , they will go with a Caucasian athlete who’s not only packing in his pockets , but also around his man-parts ?
Bruce Jenner is going to get his ” junk ” cut off , but still wants to have a healthy relationship (emotional & sexual) with women . WTF am I missing here ?
Bryce Harper has smacked more balls out the park this season than Darren Sharper has had sex with women in the last six months . Do you believe to be true or false ?
Goodell believe the NFL is best served by speaking with NOW (National Organization of Women) in order to have more of a feel as to how the NFL should address the issue of misogyny of women by NFL players ? How much of an @sshole is Roger Goodell to begin with ? He has to consult with a women’s group to actually find out how #@@ked up and how much of sexist entity the NFL just happens to be without having to deal with the issue of racism ? Goodell like David Stern remains an @ss and the same can be said of Rob Manfred (Selig’s successor) .
A bunch of old farts within each hierarchy (running and ruining professionals sports) with the collective intelligence of dried up fecal matter . Yet fans are still suggesting they have been good for their respective sports ? Bull#it .
What a surprise that Al is the first to comment on this piece.
As I read I was thinking… “Man! This is right up Al’s kazoo!” LOL!
Being a has been golfer I still enjoy watching televised tournaments. With a last name of Green it’s especially thrilling to me when the lady golfers are “going for the green!”…
You’ve probably heard the one about Arnold Palmer’s wife being interviewed by Johnny Carson when he asked her if she did anything to give Arnie good luck and without a thought she replied “Sometimes I kiss his balls.” To which Carson, without missing a beat, came right back with “That ought to make his putter stand up.”
Finally these newlyweds are on their wedding night and the new husband confesses to his wife something he hadn’t been honest with her about… “Honey I feel terrible for keeping this from you… I’m an avid golfer and have to play at least 3 times a week.”
She said she didn’t have a problem with that whatsoever and since they were being open with each other she had a confession to make too… “Before we met I was a hooker…”
The new husband eagerly responded, “That’s no problem! You’ve just got to grip the club like this…”
My favorite innuendo is in hockey when the shooter fails to get the puck over the goalie’s pads: “He just couldn’t get it up.”
You’d think someone would tell these guys, or maybe they do it on purpose. If it were me, I couldn’t keep a straight face.
I’ll raise your penetration with…..
“he shoots, he scores!”
“rounding 3rd base, he’s going for it….YES HOMERUN!”
So how is a Mamacita suppose to respond to this post? Hmmmmm. Maybe “no comment” is best. Slow news day SC? xoxo
Chris, I’m convinced your mind is in the gutter……… but hey that ain’t a bad place to visit once in a while. I think your mindset might be influenced by your occupation. LOL
When I first played golf, I was somewhat surprised the course had a ‘ball washing’ machine right there on the cart path.
And, I haven’t played golf since I fell off one…. and broke my leg.
Ah yes, the golf jokes, Dwin.
I’ve got one or two that are probably inappropriate for this site.
Classic Carson line. That guy was on point.
There are plenty of crease jokes in hockey as well, Conrad.
Take your pick, he he.
Mary…
Are you quoting a Meatloaf song?
Actually, birthday girl, this was one I’d been working on for a while.
The innuendos were always out there. Just gotta listen for ’em.
See ya’ tomorrow.
Bets…
Tending bar had nothing to do with it. My mind was in the gutter long before that.
Let’s just say it ended up being a perfect fit.
Han…
Thanks for the visual.
I may be using that one on the golf course in the future.
Of course, you’ll get full credit.
I don’t have a sex joke up my sleeve, but it’s pretty cool that SC mom is chiming in. Keep’em coming….
She’s been known to loiter every now and again, Moose.
Good thing she has a sense of humor.
Apple doesn’t fall far, my friend.
Michael Sam’s going to play in the CFL . I guess the size of the ball does matter ?
I’m not exactly sure what that means, Al.
Ahh, you filthy minded miscreant.
Sex humor in places it isn’t really intended…Gotta love it.
If only the world would lighten up and laugh at stupid shit like this more often.
This was like an episode of Jimmy Kimmel’s Unecessary Censorship.
I haven’t heard that Kimmel bit, Bleed.
Perhaps I’ll give it a listen.
Awesome damn “piece”, triple SC.;)LMAO
And people question why I get so excited about sports… I have my reasons. Lol! Envision the commercial where the geico pig sings boots and pants and boots and pants; well I say it’s sports and sex and sports and sex… No one will ever listen to that geico pig commercial the same ever again.
The innuendos are not just in sports. Working with an electrical company / safety division, I’ll never forget the first time I typed “don’t tie up a red head”. I almost fell out of my chair from laughter! Electricians / electric companies turn people “on”, mechanics do lube jobs, anyone working with lumber is working with studs, hard wood and tongue in groove…. sigh… I won’t go any further after that one.
Innuendos are delightfully everywhere and is great fun around the yummylicious minded!!
GO BOLTS! !!!!!!!
Dee Dee
D…
Far be it from me to tell you that after the game last night, everyone in the bar got naked.
Sports and sex.
You’re welcome for the visual.
Boots and pants and boots and pants.
Go Bolts!
Ha ha ha I got you singing that tune, now, hunh? And I bet you like my version much, much better.
Oh yes, I watched entire Bolts at Rangers game …solo… including post game fun!! It was an amazing game! Damn , damn shame I missed the fun victory celebration at James Joyce;)
Looks like we will be hosting the Hawks … GO BOLTS… Let’s get it done before my trip to the keys!
Dee Dee
And now it’s on to Chicago, Dee Dee.
We’ve become the first team in NHL history to take down three of the original six on our way to the Cup. Let’s see if we can take down one more.