Oiled up, buns up, I lay there on the massage table. After all, tending bar for forty-plus hours a week and writing for nearly that many requires some painstaking, preventive maintenance.
As she and I always do, the official licensed massage therapist of SportsChump and I got into a perfectly random conversation about politics and other such things. This particular conversation had to do with guns. Not the ones she happened to be massaging that day. I’m talking actual guns. Like, with ammo and stuff.
Although we both share rather liberal leanings, we also agree that if someone broke into our houses, threatened our livelihood and/or the livelihood of our loved ones and we happened to own a gun, well, it would be lights out for that motherfucker.
That got me thinking of all the classic one-liners cinema has blessed us with over the years. Do you feel lucky, well, do ya’ punk? Say hello to my little friend. Hasta la vista, baby. Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight? Ezekiel 25:17, the path of the righteous man and the tyranny of wicked and evil men. This is where the law stops and I start remains one of my lesser known but still deliciously cheesy Stallone lines from Cobra.
The seventies, eighties and even movies from today are filled with lines from heroes about to let villains have it.
So I decided to make light of such a gruesome home intrusion situation by hosting a contest.
Winner gets a t-shirt.
Your task is simple. Imagine if you will. Somebody breaks into your house and threatens you and your family with bodily harm. After a brief scuffle from which you come away unscathed, or perhaps a scratch or two for effect, you end up with your weapon of choice, pointing it at the assailant. You’re about to blow him away, cinematically and hypothetically speaking of course.
What’s your one-liner before you pull the trigger?
Use your imaginations, gang. It doesn’t have to be a gun either. Paint me the picture. I want you to channel your inner Sly, Arnold and Clint all in one fell swoop.
The reader who can come up with most fantastic blow-em-away movie line drives home in a brand new SportsChump t-shirt. Fake blood and bullet holes not included.
Oh, what a great idea for a contest Chumpy. I’m going to have to think about this… and try not to plagiarize anyone.
I’m going to update your post at DSP and see if the regs Capn, Craig, Rube, Diablo and Darth want to come here and join as well!
“Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”
Mandy Patinkin, The Princess Bride
You shoulda knocked
Hillary Clinton breaks into my house. I pull a gun and say, “Do you feel lucky, bitch? Go ahead. Make my lunch.”
First of all, wasn’t “Oiled Up, Buns Up” a Ron Jeremy vehicle a few years
I gotta go a bit “Johnny Cash” on this one : “This ain’t Reno, but I’m still gonna watch you die.”
My line: Your choice – I can do it now or I can bring in the wife and let you squirm while she tells you what a POS you are before I kill you.
Or maybe…”Really dude, you couldn’t take me? I’m gonna let my wife take out the trash.”
Tell ’em to start their imaginations, I, as we already have a leader in the clubhouse.
I’ll get to that in a minute.
Good call on Princess Bride, Mar.
But I’m looking for what YOU would say when someone tried to break into your spot.
Or perhaps you’d welcome that.
And right now, with “You Should Knocked,” Bleed is the leader in the clubhouse.
Nice work, sir. I shouldn’t have expected any less.
I’m pretty sure your girl will be having people make her own lunch for the next four years.
Perhaps, Dub. I just know how much you and the rest of my readers enjoy a good butt visual of me at the start of every post.
Hmmmm, Moose, “take out the trash” sounds vaguely familiar? Has that line not been used yet?
You should’ve taken your shoes off, b!tch.
“Let me get a little closer so forensics can confirm a struggle. Oh, that’s the second bullet. BANG.”
“Sucks to be you, son. It’s fitna be a whole lot of slow singing and flower bringing at your momma’s house.”
You kiss your baby with that mouth?
Very CSI of you.
Speaking of, I’m catching up on my Breaking Bad, a show I’d never seen. Watching it from the beginning.
Pretty damn good, I must say.
Slow singin’ and flower bringin’, Han?
I see that we all have been watching a few too many B-movies lately.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Or is that what Ricky Bobby would say?
Five dollar , five dollar , Suki, suki . Please tell me there’s something more to having a Thai female masseuse rub and oil me down without something popping up ?
So where’s my T-shirt?
The other two are getting lonely.