How to use the soccer flop for everyday personal gain

60d6c4aa634425e5a6f7c10472fc3d4dI sat at a bar I had never been to the other day.  It was a cheesy, nothing special kind of place with tan, wooden booths and only beer and wine, no liquor.  I was having a pint of the good stuff while waiting for the air conditioning in my car to be serviced at a garage around the corner.  It’s Florida and summertime is looming.  Trust me when I tell you that turning on an a/c unit that blows nothing but hot air is no way to spend an afternoon.

As I sat rewriting my thoughts on the NBA playoffs, I glanced up at the TV screen to find a soccer match.  Like most Americans, I only watch soccer every four years.  It’s my birthright to do just that; as U.S. citizens, we are exempt from watching sports we don’t play.

After a minute or two of watching said soccer match (they call them matches, right?), a player hit the ground after a collision with another, clearly feigning injury.  ‘Round these parts, we call that flopping.  Flopping also exists in the NBA, possibly but not entirely due to the influence of European players.  The Association has done its best to prevent rampant flopping, going so far as to fine and even suspend players for crying foul when no foul exists.

But in soccer, flopping is as pervasive as ever.  Just experience a soft whack to the face?  Hit the ground in life-shattering agony.  Did an opponent’s knee graze your groin?  Better call an ambulance.  Head butt to head butt?  I hope your life insurance is up to date.

soccer flop neymarIf it’s one thing we Americans hate more than a 0-0 final score, it’s insincerity on the field of play.

That got me thinking (Check out the big brain on Brad!), what if we could get what we want by flopping in other walks of life?

Let’s say for example, I’m strolling around the mall and a guy looks at me funny or comments on the fact that my shirt doesn’t match my pants.  And I just hit the floor.

Or maybe my boss tells me to do something that I disagree with and I suddenly grab my forehead, writhing around, moaning in faux pain.

The flop is a surefire cry for attention and maybe even sympathy.  Far too often it sways a ref’s call so what if we all used it to our gain?

What if I’m out to dinner and the waiter or waitress brings me the wrong dish?  I fall over in my chair.  A free meal would most certainly be in order.  If soccer players can draw a yellow card in such fashion, certainly a manager can pick up my tab.

show me the moneyOn the phone with tech support and not getting the results you want?  Drop the phone loudly, for effect of course, and hit the floor with a hard thud.  Note: This might work better with Facetime.

Want to meet an attractive girl who’s walking on the opposite side of the street?  Stop, drop and roll.  Be aggressive with your flailing too.  She’s bound to come running and that has to be way cheaper than owning a puppy to meet girls.  Plus you’re cleaning up a lot less poop.

Maybe these soccer stars are onto something by adhering every so strictly to their floppy wheel gets the grease mantra.

So in the future, if you walk into a local restaurant and find someone rolling around on the floor in pretend agony, don’t be alarmed.  He’s just been reading my website.

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6 Replies to “How to use the soccer flop for everyday personal gain”

  1. Let’s put it this way, you get kicked in the jewelry box and I can guarantee you’re going to grab the jewels and make sure everything is OK . Guys in the NBA get a hang-nail and those pus$ies cry off like the bi#ches they are and the same can be said of the guys in baseball. NFL guys act tough but when it comes down to the fact they don’t want anyone fuc#ing with their money. Case in point , idiots who make the claim Tony Romo is tough and durable.

    There is nothing tough about Romo at all and only an @ss would believe that to be true. The same can be said about Jay Cutler . ,

  2. LeBron flopped pretty hard after his teammate Tristan Thompson caught him with an errant elbow…That shit was hilarious….Was LBJ trying to get a whistle on his own guy?

    260 lbs and drops like a sack of potatoes…The fuck?

  3. Bleed…

    To quote Jon Lovitz in those old SNL skits with Phil Hartman… “Acting!”

    Why is this team toying around with Toronto. Put them out of their misery already, fellas.

  4. Sheeesh @tophatal you are clearly the blog post equivalent of a flopper. A literary Vlade Divac for cripes sake. Read your own text and toughen (your focus) the heck up.

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