Down goes the Doctor: A FitBit sequel takes a turn for the worse

Rocky III know I promised not to post any more boring accounts of my gym visits… but who doesn’t love a good sequel?

Godfather II, Rocky II and Grown-Ups 2 were theatrical releases of epic proportions.  Although Jaws 2 and Dumb and Dumberer failed to live up to the brilliance of the originals, I guess all sequels can’t be winners.

Just ask Dr. Laura.

When Dr. Laura boldly decided she wanted another shot at the Chump in a Fit Bit duel to the death, I felt I had to redeem my honor from my last outing.  Dr. Laura had been gloating endlessly since her recent victory; an undersized Palanhiukriminologist besting a man in peak physical condition was an upset of David-like proportions.

I had to put a stop to this.  I accepted her challenge.  This time around, I would not end up in some mall dodging Israeli sea salt salesmen and grasping desperately for every last step.  I would take this challenge seriously. Victory would be mine.

We each amassed over 91,000 steps in our last challenge, with Doc Laura edging me out by a scant 700 steps.  After receiving a little insider trading, I knew she had carefully planned six workouts this time around.  92,000 steps might not win this challenge.  It might take six figures.

After I took an early lead, Doc Laura eventually took charge.  Her trash-talking followed closely thereafter.  Down nearly 7,000 steps early, I received a text that read “Glad to see you are back where you belong……behind me. hoped you enjoyed your brief lead, my friend.”

So much for friendly competition; this bitch meant business.

Thursday I hit the gym hard. Walking outside, then elliptical for twenty minutes, then weights and a little basketball shoot-around, followed by another lengthy walk outdoors in the sun.  I regained my lead until she did yet again.  This victory would not be easy, until…

Later that evening, I received a text from SportsChump contributor and mutual friend, Dr. Milhouse.  His text read “You are RUTHLESS in winning this rematch.”  I wasn’t sure exactly what he meant.  I figured they must have spoken with her mentioning something about me keeping her honest in her quest to repeat.

Then he wrote “Full Tonya Harding.”

I didn’t get it.  To what was he referring?

I later found out that the good Dr. Laura… needed a doctor herself.  Apparently she had turned an ankle and was on crutches, out for four to six weeks.  Competition over!  Like the Warriors with no Steph Curry, this was the icing on the cake.

For a brief moment, I felt bad once again.  (I’ll let you determine the level of sarcasm of that last sentence.)   But wait until you hear how she turned her ankle.  This was no boating accident.

Here’s the transcript of my back and forth with the ailing Doctor Laura on the night of her injury, complete with the series of images I sent during said concession, er… conversation.  You tell me if I was out of line.

SportsChump: you ok?


Doc Laura: It really hurts but the Percocet helps. Lol

I have crutches and my parents are dusting off my old walker and bringing it to me tomorrow morning.

SC: I’m really sorry you’re hurting


DL: Have an ankle brace. Good news is that X-rays aren’t showing a fracture, waiting for radiology. Either way, pain pills for 3 days and have to stay off of it completely for like 2-3 weeks.

SC: perhaps you’re not ready for the major leagues


DL: I am getting my walker back. I’ll knee up with my left and use my right to propel… I can still get steps in.

SC: im really sorry you’re hurting


DL: You’re loving this

SC: if there’s anything at all i can do for you, please let me know


DL: So how does it feel that the only way you can bet this girl in a week long step duel is to wait for her to injure herself?

SC: I’m taking no enjoyment in this at all. I mean it.


DL: My pain, your thrill

SC: the good news is JJ (my bar which she frequents) is handicap accessible


DL: I’m probably going to die going down my stairs

SC: so what the hell happened? how did you turn your ankle?


DL: I was getting out of car, I put my left leg out on the curb, not seeing the cigar right under my foot. When I stood and shifted weight to my left leg when getting out of the car, the cigar rolled from under my foot, my ankle rolled the other way and then I lost my balance and my ankle/foot came off the curb. Stupid fucking cigar. Who leaves a perfectly good cigar on the ground like that for clumsy women to trip on?

SC: ahhhh, the old lewisnky


DL: Go ahead and laugh. My pops was having fun laughing at me while helping me walk up the stairs. FML

SC: can you rig your fitbit on the bottom of your crutch to get extra mileage?

DL: I’m moving it to my right ankle (the one that isn’t dead to me). Once I get my walker, I might now be out of the game. Though I can’t imagine the gym will let me on the treadmill with the walker.

SC: listen, i’m sorry. i hope you feel better.  And in defeat, you are victorious.  If there’s anything I can get for you, perhaps a parking pass, you just let me know.


DL: Glad I could make your day even better.

i want you happy and healthy, hon. sorry you got hurt

DL: Yeah I bet

SC: and you might want to give up smoking, xoxo

no smoking

DL: God this conversation keeps getting better.

SC: i’m a fan of the visuals. it’ll make for a good post.  my readers like a good sequel.

I was sitting atop Elvis’ throne playing Trivia Crack when I received the official news.  Unable to continue, Dr. Laura had forfeited.

It was an abrupt ending to a fiery duel, like Rocky knocking out Clubber Lang in the early rounds of their rematch at the end of Rocky III, minus the Mohawk but with all the trash-talking.

So join me, won’t you, in wishing Dr. Laura a speedy recovery.  Until then… is anybody else up for a walk?

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13 Replies to “Down goes the Doctor: A FitBit sequel takes a turn for the worse”

  1. Yo, Pep!,
    Kudos to and DL for your repeat performances. My condolences to DL for her injury and certainly wish her a speedy and complete recovery.

    In other news, I was almost sure that as repeats go, you would have blogged about the upcoming GSW/Cleveland rematch. Given that continuing saga the GSW keeps adding to their legacy. What is it now, the third team in NBA history to, as defending champions, come back from a 31 deficit to win the conference championship? A repeat of magnanimous stature. The ultimate in new dynasty conversations, Steph vs Lebron…Thomas vs. Irving…Green vs. Love…(where’s Don King when you need him). I mean this is a media event sent from heaven. Last year we heard all the excuses about whose hurt, blah, blah, blah. Now, for the most part, everyone is healthy. Was last year a fluke? Does the team with the best record prevail? Does the season outcome serve as a predictor of this final? As Arsenio Hall would say, things that make you go hmmm?
    But, I digress. If I had a fit bit, even at my age, I would undertake your challenge. The extra work may be just what I need to lose a few more pounds. I’m walking on average about 7800-10000 steps a day, just working. If I had to add an extra workout in to keep up…then I’d have to consider the benefit. Anywho, you and DL keep on rolling, (steppin’), when she gets healthy.
    Be well my friend.

  2. Chump Gilooley…Sad “victory” my friend.

    …But a great bit of pathetic gloating

  3. LOL. Great reading between innings.
    The last two great “Battle of the Sexes” was on the tennis court. One and one split. Jimmy Connors destroyed Martina and Billy Jean embarrassed a hustling Bobby Riggs.
    I still make you the favorite Chris.

    Btw, that Tonya Harding reference?? For a fleeting moment I kept imagining a steel pipe. Nah, that ain’t SC.

  4. Never complain about a doctor’s visit unless it concerns an exam by proctologist or your GP with regard an STD . Getting that personal touch , while they feel your jewels (literally) while telling you, it’s been a pleasure is never reassuring at all . LOL,LOL,LOL !!!! .

  5. Mony…

    When Golden State went down three games to one, the first thing I did was look up what they were coming back to win the Finals.

    My bookie had ’em at 3-to-1 so I jumped on it.

    Them coming back from that deficit surprised me not one bit.

    As far as the Finals rematch, I’m playing over and over in my head how Cleveland can win this thing and I just don’t see it.

    I love me some LeBron but I don’t know that even he can pull this off. I’m talking Golden State in seven.

  6. Bets…

    I just mean-mugged her and that was pretty much all she wrote.

    To be perfectly honest, as I was sending those texts and images, I could barely control the laughter.

    I’m sure it won’t take her long to get back on her feet and give me a rash of shit once again.

    But as I’ve told you all, at my age, all my movements are deliberate. Now I know if I see a cigar on the ground, to just step around it.

  7. I need a BeerBit to track how much beer I’m drinking these days.

    Oh and that Kerrigan image… you know she frequents a 99 restaurant about a mile away from where I reside? My buddy has seen her there. Whyyyyy? No Reason.

  8. The only issue I’ve ever had in that area , Chris, was after having been kicked in the region , competing in a karate tournament . Sent shivers up and down my spine and elsewhere.

    So Marlon Byrd will accept his suspension of one year away from MLB, having taken a banned substance ? When will these guys ever learn ?

    Nick Foles is staying away from the Rams’ OTA’s allegedly because he’s not too happy the team drafted Jared Goff ? Ah well the Rams aren’t going anywhere this season , because they’re not much better on paper than they were last season. The NFC West will be the Seahawks for the taking.

    The New York Yankees (24-28) have committed over $44 million this year in paying both Mark Teixeira (.185) and Alex Rodriguez (.174). The two combined are hitting way below the Mendoza Line. Any lower and the team might as well be set adrift. Then we have the idiocy of some analysts stating CC Sabathia (3-4 , .279 ERA) is having a great season ? WTF !

    There has to be a limit to the stupidity among the fans and analysts hasn’t there ?

  9. Sad news in the world of sports and boxing in particular with the announcement of the death of Muhammad Ali, at age seventy-four.

  10. And now, Al, I hear they’ve lost Texeira, however, if you’re trying to get me to feel sorry for the Yankees, you’re barking up the wrong tree.

    I’ll have my thoughts up on the champ’s passing tomorrow. I wanted to take my time with this one. Understandably.

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