Chumpservations, Vol. 37: Back-up quarterbacks, Big Winners, Back To School and one Beautiful Bash Brother Bromance

Here are some quick thoughts from a wild opening weekend to our football season.

Back It Up

steve-and-jo-joI’ve often wondered about the mindset of the backup quarterback.  Often jokingly referred to as the best job in professional sports (because you get paid for doing absolutely nothing), will most backup quarterbacks stop at nothing to become the starter (i.e., Steve Young, Aaron Rodgers) or are they perfectly content being relegated to number two?

Mike Glennon is the backup quarterback for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  Sure, he has to be ready to go at a moment’s notice in case Jameis Winston goes down but barring that tragedy, the only time Mike Glennon will see real playing time is if the Buccaneers are up by three touchdowns with a minute to play.  If you’ve watched the Buccaneers play football lately, you know the likelihood of that happening is Halley’s Comet minimal.

Take Shaun Hill for example.  For about a week, Shaun Hill was the starting quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings.   Coaches named him the Week One starter as soon as Teddy Bridgewater was lost for the season.

So ownership basically brought Shaun Hill into their office, sat him down and told him he was their guy.  Then they signed Sam Bradford, who even after five years in the league is a huge question mark.  And that’s paying him a compliment.

If you’re Shaun Hill, isn’t your confidence shattered?  Isn’t the reality that you may never be more than a backup in this league unsettling?  I mean… Sam Bradford.

I can see Hill now, slouched over in a smoky bar, chasing down whiskey shooters and complaining to anyone that will listen that he never got his shot, cursing Bradford’s name in between hiccups.

Or maybe he’s perfectly content being number two and cashing a paycheck without ever taking a snap.


The Big Winner At The Casino

mikeys-the-big-winnerI had a good weekend at the window.

I’m not here to brag or boast.  Besides, you all know I talk as much about my losers as I do my winners.

But when the good Dr. Milhouse and I hit SIX (count ‘em, six) winners in a weekend, well, I’d say we’re allowed to gloat a little.

This weekend I gazed into my crystal ball and liked Houston over Oklahoma.  The game was being played in Houston and Bob Stoops is still calling shots for Oklahoma.  That was all the logic I needed.  I liked Wisconsin over LSU.  Similarly, that game was in Wisconsin.  Nobody in Louisiana has ever even heard of Wisconsin never mind had the urge to travel there.  Besides, we learned a lot about LSU running back Leonard Fournette last year, the most important being he’ll never win a Heisman Trophy.

winnersI also liked Wyoming because… wy not?

I liked Texas over a ranked (and perhaps overrated) Notre Dame team.  That game was being played in Austin and it’s about time Charlie Strong started winning some football games there.  Carrying him off the field might have been overdoing it but give me a home college dog and I’m going to play them money line all day every day.

And I did.

I also had Auburn +8, Wisconsin +12 and Georgia -3.5 as a three-team parlay.  And I had Florida State minus five.  I was picking games with such accuracy, I was like Neo when he finally figured out the Matrix.

The bottom line is that, aside from being the smartest man alive for a weekend, I have a little extra money to burn.  Just thought you might like to know the season was off to a solid start at SportsChump Manor.


Back To School

well-alright-alright-alrightWhen I first heard that Johnny Manziel had enrolled back at Texas A&M, I immediately thought two things.

The first was that I should host a contest rewarding the reader who could best suggest Johnny Football’s newest major.  I was thinking something along the lines of Alcoholic Sciences or Night Club Management.

My second thought was picturing Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused telling his younger classmates the thing he likes most about college girls is that as he gets older, they stay the same age.  Well alright, alright, alright!

Here’s hoping John John learns a little something from his studies this time around because nobody wants to be that thirty year old guy a the frat party still doing keg stands and reminiscing about your glory years that in retrospect, probably weren’t all that memorable after all.



A Fledgling Bromance

Speaking of Heisman Trophy winners, when we last saw Tim Tebow, he was working out for about twenty different Major League Baseball teams who have to be desperately trying to figure out how to put fans in the seats.


We haven’t heard from Jose Canseco since his last celebrity boxing match.

Well apparently, Canseco is a fan of Tebow’s efforts to become a pro baseball player and wants to work him out, kind of like Apollo training Rocky to beat Clubber Lang in Rocky III, minus the short shorts and beach montage… hopefully.

No word as to whether Tebow would even consider such an offer.

Talk about an odd couple.  Years ago, I wrote about the fictitious afternoon I spent with Tim Tebow driving around town, picking up chicks in shopping malls and him disapproving of my foul language.  I’m pretty sure the afternoon Tebow spent pelting baseballs out of the park with Canseco would be far more bromantic.   I’m picturing cut off tank tops, far too much hair gel, bad Latin music blaring through the sound system and the obligatory paparazzi Q&A session that would have to follow Bash Brothers 2.0.  How Bravo has not made this a reality TV show yet astounds me.

julio-and-willieI’m not suggesting Canseco wouldn’t make a good mentor but I have already expressed my opinions on the likelihood of Tebow making the bigs.  I’m not sure how much more Canseco’s tutelage would increase those odds but hey, if the inconceivably, unlikely duo of Willie Nelson and Julio Iglesias can take “To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before” to the top of the Billboard charts,  I suppose anything is possible.

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