It’s times like these where I have to convince myself I know something about football. I try, I really do, but these first three weeks have been a jagged little pill to swallow. Just ask my bookie.
Welcome to your ‘Don’t Believe the Hype’ edition of this year’s $100 giveaway contest. Before we get to the easily predicted allotment of negative scores, let’s try to make sense of what the hell is going on in the NFL.
Eventual Hall of Fame quarterback Peyton Manning retired from the Denver Broncos at the end of last season. All was thought to be lost when they couldn’t sign Brock Osweiler as his replacement. Guess what. Some guy nobody has ever heard of named Trevor Siemian (yes, I had to look up his name and how to spell it) has taken over seamlessly. The Broncos are 3-0.
The Patriots have lost not only Tom Brady but his replacement (Jimmy Garoppollo) and his replacement’s replacement (Jacoby Brissett). This week they’ll be starting a wide receiver at the quarterback position. The only time baseball teams’ run out of pitchers is when they’ve exhausted them all and the game is a blowout. This season has been a blowout for the Patriots too… in the opposite way. They are 3-0 and have outscored their opponents by a combined 36 points this season. Of their recent streak, a friend of mine quipped the Patriots are “doing God’s work.” I think he’s right.
The Minnesota Vikings lost their eventual Hall of Fame running back. When Adrian Peterson opted for meniscus surgery, ending his season, we naturally assumed all was lost. After all, they also lost Teddy Bridgewater and were forced to start the ever-travelled Sam Bradford. The Vikings are 3-0 and their head coach Mike Zimmer is drawing Belichickian comparisons.
The Philadelphia Eagles wentz (see what I did there?) from losing their quarterback of the future in the preseason to him being the second coming of Ron Jaworski. The Eagles are 3-0.
In the absence of the brittle Tony Romo, the Dallas Cowboys are starting rookies at both the quarterback AND running back positions. They are 2-1.
And let us not forget that Baltimore, who finished last season a rather un-Ravenlike 5-11, is also currently undefeated.
I have no idea what’s going on and it shows on my betting ledger. Apparently there are guys other than quarterbacks and running backs on the field. Oh… and there’s this thing called “defense” that tends to have an effect on football games, particularly if it’s played well.
The six teams mentioned above are all top ten in the NFL in points allowed.
Perhaps in the future I’ll adjust my wagering ways accordingly like that’ll make a bit of difference.
And now… onto our standings. As you can see, it’s still a bloodbath with 12 entries and only 2 of us positive.
SpeedBeagle +13 (3 weeks entered)
Fibbs +2 (2 weeks entered)
Kid Sheraton -2 (2 weeks entered)
Kathy F – 2 (1 week entered)
Heavy D – 7 (3 weeks entered)
Dr. Milhouse -8 (3 weeks entered)
Ryan Meehan -10 (2 weeks entered)
KP – 12 (3 weeks entered)
Hank Macknew -14 (2 weeks entered)
SportsChump -15 (3 weeks entered)
Dee Dee -15 (1 week entered)
Hanahan -17 (2 weeks entered)
Either you guys are trying to make me feel good about my misguided wagers, which is mighty kind of you, or you’re as confused about this season as I am. I’m opting for the latter.
Here are Week Four’s betting lines. I’d wish us all good luck but we wouldn’t know what to do with it.
Miami at Cincinnati (-7.5)
Indy at Jax (+2.5) *this game is being played in London
Cleveland at Washington (-7.5)
Buffalo at New England (-4.5)
Seattle at NY Jets (+2.5)
Carolina at Atlanta (+3)
Detroit at Chicago (+3)
Tennessee at Houston (-5)
Oakland at Baltimore (-3)
Denver at Tampa Bay (+3)
Dallas at San Francisco (+3)
New Orleans at San Diego (-4.5)
Los Angeles at Arizona (-8)
Kansas City at Pittsburgh (-4.5)
NY Giants at Minnesota (-5)
Garopollo and Jacoby Brisssett (ex Gator) also have the Patriots unbeaten . Now all Brady has to do is wait and step in during week five , if Belichick actually wants him back that is ?
So with JJ Watt injured, a friend has suggested to me we’re going to see the best of Jadaveon Clowney ? That’s only going to happen , if he’s dressing up in a clown’s outfit to perform at a kid’s birthday party. The Houston Texans (2-1) haven’t made a believer out of me yet , in spite of the fact. they’re playing in a rather pitiful division (AFC South) .
Will Rex Ryan be the first NFL coaching casualty of the season ? Bills’ owner Terry Pegula bought the franchise for over $1.6 billion and on the recommendation of the front office executives , they hired Ryan to be the head coach. Pretty much sums up the idiocy to be found within the organization from top to bottom.
All right…I think I have it figured out…let’s see…
5 Cowboys (-3)
4 Broncos (-3)
3 Rams (+8)
2 Seahawks (-2.5)
1 Bills (+4.5)
I don’t want any money If I do well.. but it’s fun to take a stab. Here goes it..
Denver at Tampa Bay (+3) – Denver and it’s not even close – tampa is horrible
Carolina at Atlanta (+3) – Carolina all day
Detroit at Chicago (+3) – DET all day
Miami at Cincinnati (-7.5) – I’ll take Miami
Cleveland at Washington (-7.5) – Give me Cleveland
disclaimer: The opposite of what I think will happen.
Cincinnati
Washington
New England
Seattle
Tampa Bay
5 Washington
4 New York Giants
3 Chicago
2 Denver
1 Carolina
5-Indy to cover
4-New England to cover
3-Denver to cover
2-Dallas to cover
1-Seattle to cover
Cincy -7.5
New Orleans +4.5
Arizona -8
San Fran +3
Jets +2.5
5 Dallas covers San Francisco
Q: Who the fuck are the 49ers? A: Who cares?
4 Detroit covers against the Bears because the Bears are a hurricane on fire comprised of razor blades
3 New England covers against the Bills because I can’t pick against them. It’s simply too fucking stupid…
2 Denver covers against Tampa (insert something witty here)
1 I like Atlanta to cover against Carolina even though truth be told I can’t stand either of them.
FUCK GAMES IN ENGLAND. SERIOUSLY
Giants (5)
Pats (4)
KC (3)
Denver (2)
Cleveland (1)
Where do you get your lines…..(no pun intended)
1-Seattle
2-Cowboys
3-Houston
4-Buffalo
5-Carolina
Everyone is in and official to date.
Waiting on the return of Hank M. and Kathy F.
Unless they’re afraid.
5) Denver at Tampa Bay (+3) Denver: Von Miller might actually stick a crab leg up Jameis Winston’s ass live on the field.
4) Detroit at Chicago (+3) Detroit: The fact I’m even fucking betting on the Lions proves Ryan Meehan is right. How fucked up is that?
3) Dallas at San Francisco (+3) Dallas: Collectively, the 49ers suck harder than Jenna Jameson at her first audition. None of you dickwacks better act like you don’t get that joke, either.
2) NY Giants at Minnesota (-5) NY Giants: Why am I taking the Eli-tard? Because this is the classic game the Vikings gag on harder than Jenna Jameson at her first audition. You’re goddamn right…I just doubled-down on a porn joke.
1) Indy at Jax (+2.5) *this game is being played in London Jacksonville all the way, because I have to watch the Colts every week, and nobody really appreciates how truly shitty they are.
And another thing. By calling Carson Wentz “the second coming of Ron Jaworski…”
If Wentz pulls a “Jaws” by getting to a Super Bowl, then tossing three picks to the same fucking guy, I will come to your house and make a necklace out of your toes.
5— Pats -4.5
4— NYG +5
3— Niners +3
2— NYJ +2.5
1— Cards -8
Han is in and so is Dub, finally.
And yeah, I mean I could have gone with a McNabb (shudder) or Cunningham reference but I didn’t think either was appropriate.
At a loss trying to recall effective Eagles quarterbacks of the past, Jaws was the only other name I could come up with. #TyDetmer
5 – New England
4- Denver
3 – Dallas
2 – Cleveland
1 – Carolina
5. Pats
4. Steelers
3. Titans
2. Falcons
1. Jets
Dee Dee and KP got in under the wire.
Stay tuned for this week’s rousing results to be posted shortly.