Phelps, sharks, Tweets and the continued shallowing of America

The following story goes to show you just how out of touch with reality we are and how somewhere along the line, our priorities became severely out of whack, assuming they were ever in the right place to begin with.

Michael Phelps recently raced a shark. Well, he didn’t race in the same pool as the shark (which apparently upset a few of the people watching) but he raced against the hypothetical time a shark would swim were it swimming alongside him. He is, after all, the greatest Olympian we’ve ever known (that doesn’t now wear a dress) so he can do pretty much whatever he wants.

It’s not the worst idea we’ve ever had. After all, this is a country where one-and-a-half million people watched the premiere of Sharknado which goes to show that a) Americans like sharks and b) much like sharks, we will consume anything you put in front of us, therefore #PhelpsVsShark

The whole event was part of the Discovery Channel’s Shark Week, a cult classic considered by many to be one of the most entertaining weeks on television. The people who think this also need to get out of the house more.

Some of those same people are the ones who got all butthurt Phelps didn’t race a real shark, as if a) they actually for one second thought he would get into the pool with a real fucking shark and b) they didn’t have enough common sense to realize the idea of that ever happening is preposterous.

There are four types of people in America: those who heard about this event and thought Michael Phelps would actually swim in a body of water against a live shark, those who had enough common sense to realize this was a made-for-TV event that would feature nothing of the sort, those who didn’t give it any thought but if they had would have realized Michael Phelps wasn’t going to get into said body of water with the ocean’s greatest killer and those who gave zero fucks about the event altogether. I straddle between the third and fourth categories. In fact, I still haven’t seen the race. I had eight million better things to do.

But I did get a kick out of the national outcry, as if we have nothing better to worry about.

Either way, I thought I’d share some of the more humorous Tweets regarding yet another piece of American history uniquely our own that proved, if nothing else, at least we all still have a sense of humor. Please do enjoy them, swimmingly.

ChrisHumpherys‏ @SportsChump
Phelps goes into the water. Shark’s in the water. Fake shark. #SharkWeek

Kellen‏ @RealKellenFrank
Next on Discovery: could a white shark beat Michael Phelps in a footrace? We simulate a shark flopping agonizingly along a track to find out

Matt Meinsen‏ @mattmeinsen
Great White: 36.1 seconds
Michael Phelps: 38.1 seconds
Ryan Lochte: Mugged by a hammerhead at gun point and unable to race.

K Maxwell Klitzke‏ @maxwellklitzke
Very disappointed there was no qualifying round for the sharks to race Phelps. How do we know we’re watching the Michael Phelps of Sharks?

sydney w‏ @sentimentalsyd
michael phelps racing a great white shark is my generation’s moon landing #SharkWeek #SharkWeek2017

Lord Single Malt‏ @Singlemaltfiend
If you thought Michael Phelps was actually going to race a shark side by side I have a Russian election conspiracy theory to sell you.

Other Mike Parsons‏ @OtherMikeP
Who’s more disappointed the people who watched Michael Phelps race a fake shark or the people who will buy the Mayweather/McGregor fight?

Pat McAfee‏ @PatMcAfeeShow
Would be nice if Phelps humbles a great white tonight.. low confident sharks are good news 4 the rest of the ocean

Kristina‏ @glanvilluminati
Michael Phelps is about to race a shark on my television and I haven’t done any legitimate physical activity since 5th grade gym class

ChrisHumpherys‏ @SportsChump
Michael Phelps was so stoned he THOUGHT he raced a real shark #SharkWeek

Fake SportsCenter‏ @FakeSportsCentr
“My son Lonzo would beat that shark in a race with his eyes closed” – Lavar Ball #SharkWeek

Kris‏ @krisssned
Shark 1
Phelps 2
Gullible Americans 480 354 134

Sam White‏ @samwhiteout
Saying Michael Phelps raced a shark when in actuality he raced a computer simulation is like saying you saw Tupac live at Coachella.

22Minutes @22_Minutes
A shark defeated Olympian Michael Phelps in a race by 2 seconds. And now, please rise for the Shark National Anthem. (DUNN UH…DUNN UH…)

Paula Poundstone‏ @paulapoundstone
The shark won the race with Michael Phelps by a snout. Later, in a rambling interview, the shark said, “I won the popular race, too.”

Maisey Yates‏@maiseyyates
Call me when Michael Phelps races a Megalodon. #SharkWeek #brokendreams #stillnotoverit

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8 Replies to “Phelps, sharks, Tweets and the continued shallowing of America”

  1. Congrats to Jabberjaw for humbling Jeff Spicoli.

    So…. When does Usain Bolt race a cheetah?

  2. … and the Phelps joined the rival gang (the Jets) and mouthed off to Officer Krupke.

    Youngsters, pls watch Turner Classic – West Side Story

  3. I was the fifth type…wondering how you would get around admitting you were glued to your TV for this.

  4. There’s bound to be shock and outrage from PETA . M

    Is there an over and under as to the number of women R Kelly is said to have held captive at some point over the last eight years ?

    Whats odds can be obtained as to the number of women infected with herpes by Usher ?

    Over and under on the number of rounds for the upcoming Floyd Mayweather Conor McGregor fight ?

    These are things soon to be capturing the nation’s attention.

  5. PJD dropping in with an old school history/culture lesson. Thank you, sir.

    How many times over the years has MoS made you sit through WSS?

    I can almost hear the show tunes from here.

    It doesn’t upset you when she rewinds certain scenes, does it? he he

  6. Dubs…

    I suppose I should really at least watch it… but I’ve been glued to the juiced-up, steroided out long drive contests on the Golf Channel.

    I don’t suppose that event will incur drug-testing any time soon.

  7. Re: the fight, Al, I think it goes longer than most people expect.

    This fight is all about the money so the fighters and those involved in putting it on will make it last.

    To be perfectly honest, I see Mayweather winning a decision.

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