A bothersome tennis fan in king football’s court: A tale of misplaced priorities and tested patience

Let’s speak hypothetically for a moment.

Let’s pretend this event that’s about to unfold didn’t actually happen.  I mean, because it didn’t.  It couldn’t possibly have.

Let’s pretend for one second that on college football’s opening Saturday that a theoretical person, in a theoretical bar, in a theoretical region of the United States where college football is all too important, didn’t ask to put tennis on the television instead of the biggest college football game on at the time.

Again, let’s pretend this didn’t happen.  (I’m still trying my best not to.)

Since we’re pretending (this is fun) that this didn’t happen, let’s also pretend that the game on the screen asked to be changed was not my alma mater playing in its biggest season opener in the past, let’s say, thirty years.

Let’s also pretend the person who asked said question wasn’t already a high maintenance customer for reasons I shan’t explain considering, of course, this whole situation is entirely hypothetical.  This hypothetical request, however, had it happened, was enough to most certainly push said customer into one’s own personal High Maintenance Hall of Fame.

Blood boiling!

Now that we’ve established that this sad, sad incident never actually happened, let me ask you, not so hypothetically speaking, in what fucking communist country does a man ask to take college football OFF the big screen and put tennis ON?!?

Maybe, just maybe, if this was a latter round of a major, an historical match of sorts, I’d (hypothetically, of course) change the channel without a care in the world knowing it meant something.

But it wasn’t, not even the quarterfinals.

It was the third round of the US Open, Rafael Nadal against a person nobody had ever heard of before.

Let’s continue pretending because this is fun… and cleansing, hypothetically.

Let’s pretend, based strictly upon the eye-rolling principle that the customer is always right, that after I hypothetically changed the theoretical channel, that the Croatian nationalist who requested I change it barely paid attention after it actually was changed, his nose buried deep in his phone for something that must have been far more important than both college football and tennis.

Temperature rising!

Don’t get me wrong.  I love tennis.  I was raised on it.  I played tennis growing up far more than I ever played football.  That being said, never in a million years would I fear the wrath of a bar crowd in the south by asking to put tennis on the main screen when a major college football game of far greater magnitude was taking place.

I might as well have asked to put on the Lifetime Network or the movie of the week or the fucking Westminster Dog Show.

Rage subsiding.

In the end, it’s probably a good thing none of this ever happened.  I didn’t even work yesterday and you can’t prove that I did.  I’m just saying, if an incident as egregious as this actually happened, it’d probably be something worth bitching about.

I guess it’s a good thing it didn’t.

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18 Replies to “A bothersome tennis fan in king football’s court: A tale of misplaced priorities and tested patience”

  1. Chris, this is hiliarious. The hypothetical guy musta been a Federer groupie. I’d suggest in preparation of this event ever happening, a small old 14 inch black and white Motorola stored safely under the bar. A don’t forget the splitter.

  2. Fuckin’ guy would be lucky to get that, Bets.

    I mean, I changed the channel. I did my job. That didn’t stop me from venting to my co-workers and fellow customers, slyly, at the end of the bar and making fun of what had just happened.

    Hey, bro. How about your boy hitting Maryland-South Carolina two teamer yesterday on the front end of a four-teamer.

    Wish me luck on the remaining two.

    I won’t tell you who they are so as not to jinx it but I’m pretty sure you can guess the way I went on A&M-UCLA and West Virginia-Virginia Tech. #ThinkDogs

  3. Not off to a rousing start, Florida State and the Gators. in the first week of Colllege Football. Off to a rousing the next generation of Williams to play tennis , as Serena gives birth to a baby girl.

  4. The baby wasn’t mine, Al.

    And speaking of throwing the baby out with the bathwater, Florida and FSU might have long seasons ahead of them considering neither team knows which quarterback will lead them through the rest of the season.

  5. Are you kidding me? WOW! Talk (hypothetically that is) about discipline! Some most amazing bartender deserves a huge hug & pat on the back for not hypothetically getting your bouncer to escort that person from the bar. Maybe you could have suggested he go sit in a corner (to be up close to the tennis match). Impressed with your professionalism sir.

  6. You need to work in the sort of bar where a guy like me would have stomped that tennis-loving homo. You know, a bar in America.

  7. By allowing this miscarriage of justice, aren’t you defacto-sentencing said customer to public flogging, or at least punblic humiliation by fellow customers? Or was said customer possibly Nick Bollettieri?

  8. What do you mean the baby wasn’t yours ? LOL,LOL,LOL !!!!!! All of those fantasies about being with Serena and having her play with your balls ? Shame on you.

    Neither FSU or Florida can decide on a quarterback ? Nothing new there . My Pats sent Jacoby Brissett to the Colts, as it looks like Andrew Luck won’t be their week one regular season starter .

  9. Moose…

    Pretty sure there wasn’t a TV in the bar (we have nine) that wasn’t showing the FSU-Bama game. I forget what else sports-wise that was going on at the time but nobody at that time asked to change any one of the TVs, which was probably good for their health and lack of ridicule.

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