Drugs, lies and Brian Cushing’s everlasting erection

“Honesty is such a lonely word.”

–          Billy Joel


I did not have sexual relations with that woman.  I’ve never bet on baseball.  I cannot tell a lie, I did chop down that cherry tree.

Blatant mistruths have been with us since the dawn of time.  There was that whole Adam, Eve and the forbidden fruit thing to officially kick us out of Eden.  Then, who among us doesn’t recall learning the story of our nation’s founding father, a young George Washington, and that poor old cherry tree?

Who knows whether or not this story actually took place but it exists among the countless we learn as children to teach us the difference between “right” and “wrong.”  The story of young George coming clean about that cherry tree is meant to teach us that lying is bad and honesty is noble.

Brian Cushing must have missed that day in class.  He was probably working out.

I’m not trying to pick on GNC’s most valuable customer.  I’m just here to point out some basics.

In case you missed the latest from the NFL ticker, former USC standout and current Houston Texans linebacker Brian Cushing, has been suspended – again – for violating the league’s policy on performance enhancing drugs.  This time, the suspension is for ten games.  It is his second such suspension.

It happens, we get it.  Athletes at the highest level feel they need to find that edge to stay competitive.  It’s a dog-eat-dog league and if you can’t tackle, you don’t play.  But Cushing was in no danger of being cut.  He’s a naturally talented player.  He’s also a naturally bad liar.

Here’s where the story gets delectable.

Cushing’s explanation for his failed drug test is either scientifically unique or absolute bullshit.  I’m going with the latter.  His reasoning could only have been concocted by his old frat buddies.  I can picture it now, Cushing and his Delta Tau Chi guys standing around the keg saying…  Dude, just tell them you have too much testosterone from working out so much.  That’s why you failed the drug test.  Excellent!

Pan to Cushing, rubbing his chin and thinking to himself… this could actually work!

That’s right.  Cushing’s explanation for his second failed drug test was that he works out SO much, he has that much extra testosterone coursing through his veins.  For the record, you know who else worked out a lot?  Arnold Schwarzenegger.

If your erection lasts longer than your ten-game suspension, please consult a physician.  Meanwhile, Cushing is running around like he’s the second coming of Bill Romanowski.

I guess I’m still at a loss for why players like Cushing continue to get popped for PED violations.  Not only are they putting their livelihoods at stake, they’re putting their health as well.  There are plenty of supplements out there you can legally ingest to maintain an edge.  Plus, there’s spinach.  As far as I can recall, no athlete has ever failed a drug test for eating too much spinach.

Sports teams employ physicians to tell you what you can legally ingest and what you cannot.  And let’s be honest, teams know ahead of time when random drug tests are coming.  Cushing must have missed that memo as well.

If there’s any good to come out of this, it’s that mistruths are, and will continue to be, a treasured part of our historical landscape.

So are bullshit excuses.

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14 Replies to “Drugs, lies and Brian Cushing’s everlasting erection”

  1. He’s a bye product of USC where lies and misconduct have been a way of life with the program. Just look at the @-holes who’ve taken the program into the gutter. Mike Garrett , Pat Haden , Pete Carroll , Laine Kiffin , Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart and now Brian Cushing . I hear current Athletic Director Lynn Swann is biding his time , while checking out a number of female students on campus .

  2. Did you by any chance catch the travesty which took place this past Saturday with the boxing match between Gennady Golovkin and Saul Alvarez . Female judge Adalaide Byrd scored the bout a draw , when Golovkin clearly won the fight. This should have been a majority verdict and not ending up in a draw. Clearly showing why the sport of boxing is on its very last legs , as it no longer has any credibility whatsoever. There are idiots out there who still believe the fight between Mayweather and McGregor was competitive . LOL,LOL,LOL !!!

  3. Al…

    So what’s the next penalty if he fails another drug test?

    A full season?

    Am I the only one who sees comparisons to Romanowski. Kid’s the spitting image.

    And I missed the fight but heard about the 118-110 vote. Why are these people still allowed to judge if they have a history of fucking things up?

  4. Cushing hasn’t been a Trojan for years topahole, but hey…Why let little things like facts ruin a perfectly good glass of Haterade?

    If a current #5 ranking and Heisman hopeful constitutes a gutter, call me Pennywise because I’m behind the grate with a smile and an Trojans balloon.

    Like the article implies, if you ain’t cheatin, you aint tryin.

    Here’s a fun fact for you…..
    USC is the only football program in the NCAA that cheats.

  5. Speaking of cheating, Bleed, they’re about to come down HARD on Antonio Calloway and company.

    Charges, felonies and lost talent. That kid was amazing at UF. Might not ever play again in their uniform.


    So when is it the coach’s responsibility to teach a kid right from wrong? Maybe he should just read more SportsChump.

  6. Throw in Ryan Braun into that list of in-your-face liars. Held team meeting to issue a pleading denial of his usage of PHDs. The whole Milwaukee Brewer fan base must also be high on Schlitz to give him a standing ovation upon his first at bat after completion of his suspension.

    Chris, Is “the beer that made Milwaukee famous” before your time? lol

  7. Meanwhile, the Tide / Clemson charade goes on (from Tide fan / alum). As I always like to say, we have the best thugs money can buy.

    Go ahead on Bleed with yo comments, I really need to meet you and SC once. Not your USC team, the real S chump. I know what goes on around Bama and it’s pretty tame (but sketch)…I can’t imagine what a kid at USC could face with enticements.

    FL Hail Mary against TN!!! See ya’ll at SEC champ game. We’ll see……..

  8. Anyone referring to themselves as Moose or Chump are dudes I could shoot the shit and throw a few cold ones back with.

    Maybe our host C-Humper can plan out a Vegas trip sometime in the future.

    ….All it’ll take is a few more lame posts from Anna to fund it.

  9. Moose…

    I was up in Gainesville for Tennessee weekend.

    What can I say. It’s tradition. Sticking it to Tennessee in the most unthinkable of ways, that is.

    Needless to say, a good time was had by all… not wearing orange.

  10. Deac and Bleed…

    If a trip to Vegas is in order, perhaps we could hit Cushing up for some uppers.

    I hear he gets the good stuff. It’s just not undetectable.

    Bring your Alzado jerseys.

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