By SportsChump and J-Dub
SportsChump: I have a few friends that can’t stomach today’s NBA. Those in my inner circle who still watch the sport religiously, I can count on both hands, only if they’re balled up in a fist.
That’s okay. I’m done convincing them. Either you like the NBA at this point, or you don’t.
You can chalk the mass dislike up to any number of reasons. Today’s game has unquestionably changed from yesteryear. Things evolve, or devolve, depending on how you look at them. While I’m not entirely sure today’s NBA is less physical, (the sport has gone to great lengths to reduce the fisticuffs of the ’80s and ‘90s), we do see teams taking far more three-pointers than ever before.
You can largely blame Steph Curry and sabermetrics for that. I mean, what coach and organization wouldn’t do simple math (3>2) and play the odds per possession. It’s worked out well for the Celtics and the Warriors during their historic run.
The problem with this 3>2 logic means teams that can’t shoot three-pointers still do so at an unhealthy rate, which leads to ugly, brick-like basketball. And while we witness bad basketball every year, this year we saw some downright atrocious hoops.
This aggression will not stand!
Before we dive headfirst into our roast, here’s all you need to know. Of the ten teams I’m about to lambast below, nine of them were among the bottom ten in 3-point field goal percentage, yet shots still went up with dire hope for success. Alas! The only bottom ten 3FG% in the league to make the playoffs was the Orlando Magic and I’ve written about their shooting woes and poor decision-making in the past.
But back to the bad. I can’t tell you how many times I saw a ridiculously, fat money line on a team like the Wizards or Hornets, only to play it and almost instantly regret throwing my money away as they were out of the game by the second quarter. For those unlucky enough to be in attendance, any time was a good time to leave your seat for another well-needed cocktail.
We saw countless 15 to 20-point spreads this season, in which the favorite covered. Here’s another stunner for you. The top two teams in each conference were the Oklahoma City Thunder and the Cleveland Cavaliers. They were regularly favored by double digits. They were also the two best teams against the spread all season. Underdog bettors must have taken a bath. I can assure you at least one of them did.
Accordingly, I decided to host a little roast in these bad teams’ dishonor for crimes like these against basketball cannot go unpunished. While TNT’s brilliant Inside the NBA hosts their Gone Fishing segment where Kenny Smith drives a fishing boat of photoshopped superstars associated with each city symbolizing the end of their season, we’ve decided to kick it up a notch.
And we can’t host a roast here at SportsChump without inviting J-Dub who, while admittedly watching little basketball this season, has graciously agreed to assist us anyway by channeling his inner poet and trashing these ten teams in haiku form.
But first a few words from our poet laureate…
J-Dub: At the start of the NBA Play-offs. SportsChump came up with an idea that I saw as a cruel joke on fans of the Association. One of the reasons why I handed off Dubsism’s baseball duties to a contributor was a failed experiment using haiku to discuss the boys of summer. For those of you who aren’t familiar (and judging by both our Comments sections… you aren’t), haiku is a Japanese poetry style defined by its strict limits in form. The traditional format is three-line stanzas, with each mile having only a set number of syllables, usually 5-7-5.
The clove-vape crowd at your local campus’ literature building will try to sell you some lofty load of shit about haiku’s restrictions enhancing the artistic expressions, but having tried it here before I know it’s just a cruel joke on poetry. Never let it be said the Chump doesn’t know his way around a cruel joke, after all, before he renounced baseball he was a Rays fan.
It’s also why he keeps bringing me back.
Now, let’s start roasting and hibachi-ing haiku-ing.
Toronto Raptors (30-52; 34 games back)
SpoetsChump: Of all the teams that missed the post-season, Toronto was probably the best of the bunch, so we’ll go relatively easy on them and wait to rev our engines until later in the post. Toronto might be the only NBA team that could relocate its entire franchise to Tampa and not have a fan in either city notice the change. I know we were in the middle of a pandemic but the litmus test to land a pro basketball team in Tampa fell flat on its Bayshore. Tampa Raptors’ attendance rivaled Rays’ wretchedness. This season, Toronto had two different losing streaks of seven and eleven games. In a top-heavy yet otherwise mediocre East, the Raptors were a full nine games behind the tenth-seeded Atlanta Hawks, and the Hawks were bad. Toronto was the kind of team that lacked both scoring (25th in the league) and defense (18th). You know things are bad when RJ Barrett is your top bucket getter. And when the Raptors try to figure out whether Scottie Barnes can be the player that they hoped he’d become when they drafted him fourth overall, they must address the fact that his field goal percentage, three-point field goal percentage, assists, rebounds and scoring all dipped from last year. When Barrett and Barnes are your best two players, you’re not going to make the playoffs. And they didn’t. C’est la vie!
J-Dub:
Great White North, Bob, Doug
Not just fans, two beer-soaked brothers
Could be Raps’ backcourt
The classic bad team
That only beats other bad teams
“Raps” is short for craps
Brooklyn Nets (26-56; 38 games back)
SportsChump: Alright, now we’re getting to the meat of the issue, and that meat is fatty, grizzled and tasteless, like many of the jokes you’re about to read. There was a point early in the season when we thought the Nets might make the postseason. Spoiler alert: that didn’t happen. They started the season 9-10, hovering around .500, with west coast wins in Sacramento, Golden State, and Phoenix. I’m not sure why we’re celebrating .500 basketball, but this is the Nets we’re talking about. They then went on to lose six of their next seven and twenty of their next twenty-five basketball games. Obviously, the hamstring injury to Cam Thomas, their best player, stuck a fork in their season. Without him, they ended up 29th in scoring out of a league of 30 teams and yes, the team that finished dead last will be discussed shortly. The Nets are rumored to be in the Giannis Antetokounmpo sweepstakes this off-season, assuming he wants out of Milwaukee but a closer look at this Nets roster, and the way this organization has been run since moving to Brooklyn, bodes the question why. You know things are bad when one willingly chooses to live in Milwaukee over New York City.
J-Dub:
New York Jets, Mets, Nets
Curses abound in Gotham
Long time since last win
Tree grows in Brooklyn
You’ll have more luck with old books
Than to win title
Philadelphia 76ers (24-58; 40 games back)
SportsChump: If it weren’t for the Eagles Super Bowl, cheesesteak central might be queuing up Rocky reruns in search of a winner because they won’t find one at the Wells Fargo Center. The process got distrusted long ago. It’s been a while since the Sixers have been in any way relevant. I fear they still carry the curse of that fateful afternoon Kawhi Leonard’s Toronto Raptors broke their hearts with that sideline, rim-rattling jumper. That’s probably the last time Sixers fans had any interest in this team, or any hope for it. We’ve reached the point of his career where Joel Embiid has missed more games than he’s played. To make matters worse, he’s untradeable for anything but pennies on the dollar for who would want to take on a $55 million dollar contract for a guy who’s unavailable more than half the time? That’d be like overpaying for a used clunker that you know will break down as soon as you drive it off the lot. The Paul George contract is another albatross. He played in only 41 games this season and averaged near career lows in points scored, field goal percentage, three points field goal percentage and rebounds. He’s 34 years old and playing in his 15th season which means unless they find some fountain of youth for their two highest-profile and highest-paid players taking up over half their salary cap, the Sixers are in trouble for the foreseeable future. Want more bad news? The Sixers ranked dead last in field goal percentage allowed. In other words, the product the Sixers have been putting forth is literally defenseless.
J-Dub:
Eagles albatross
All this talk of birds avoids
Discussing Sixers
Whatever happened
To “Trusting in the Process?”
Remember that crap?
Charlotte Hornets (19-63; 45 games back)
SportsChump: Okay, let’s talk bad. I went to a Hornets game two years ago. You know how you hear basketball sneakers squeak in an empty gym that is devoid of fans? We could all hear the sneakers squeaking loud and clear. Fortunately, we made some good friends at the game because striking up conversation with a stranger is the only way to distract yourself from how bad this basketball team is. Charlotte hasn’t made the playoffs in ten seasons and hasn’t won a playoff series since 2002. This team was dead last in the league in scoring and while their lone bright spot was LaMelo Ball, averaging 25 points a game, what pro wouldn’t be able to average that many points while taking the bulk of his team’s shots? To add insult to injury, LaMelo shot 40% from the floor. As a team, Charlotte shot 43% from the floor, good for dead last in the league. The Brandon Miller injury hurt but it’s highly unlikely this team was making the postseason with him healthy. They’re still a few good draft picks away from being relevant. By the time they find them, who knows whether Ball will still want to play there. At least tickets to the games are affordable and the conversation is still good. And if you’re lucky, you’ll get the opportunity to heckle Michael Jordan in his owners’ box, assuming he can stand to watch.
J-Dub:
Hornet with no sting
Cannot be a true hornet
Just louder cockroach
LaMelo Ball
Is really their best player?
Fucking kidding me?
Washington Wizards (18-64; 46 games back)
SportsChump: The Wizards were so bad this season, they’re thinking about changing their name back to the Bullets so fans can take matters into their own hands. And while that joke may be tasteless, the second amendment protects my right to bear arms against the atrociousness that has been the Washington Wizards. This franchise hasn’t made the playoffs in five years and hasn’t finished over .500 in almost ten. They’ve had 11 head coaches since 1999-2000 and most were probably happy to be shown the door. Hey, did you hear the good news? I got fired by the Wizards! Washington has not been relevant since Gilbert Arenas was pretending to shoot up the arena like Ja Morant is now. The Wizards fans would probably relish being targets of gunfire at this point and why not? They’re easy targets if they’re still paying to see this team play basketball. The Wizards were fourth to last in the league in scoring, third to last in the league in field goal percentage and second to last in points allowed. This team was among the league leaders in tanking for Cooper Flagg, but Washington was so bad that when Flagg announced he might stay at Duke, they kept losing anyway. The good news is Washington will free up cap space in the next year or two. The bad news is, why would anyone want to play there?
J-Dub:
Washington Bullets
NBA Champs Seventy-Eight
Irrelevant since
Fifteen wins this year
Was still a big improvement
Wes Unseld’s ghost cries
Phoenix Suns (36-46; 32 games back)
SportsChump: Bradley Beal’s contract might have set a new bar for the worst professional contract in sports history. That is until the next team decides to grossly overpay for an overrated player and lock him in long term with a no trade clause. Perhaps only the Deshaun Watson deal has more grossly handcuffed a franchise. The Suns are paying three different perimeter players $50 million each. If you watched any of them this season, it didn’t look like any of them wanted to be there, and who can blame them? This was just a poorly constructed basketball team. They ran their coach out of town and while they were one of the last NBA teams to be officially eliminated from playoff contention, one need only watch them to see the writing on the wall long before that. This team started 9-2 this season, which means they went 27-44 to close things out, losing nine of their last ten. Kevin Durant is as good as gone in the off season which will leave them with Beal and a decision to make on Devin Booker. Will Book want to stay for a rebuild when those making roster decisions cannot be trusted? If that means the Suns are stuck with only Beal, expect for things to only get worse for the Phoenix faithful.
J-Dub:
Suns made a late run
Desert a day late dollar short
More Kevin Durant?
Durant’s legacy
Is like bland Indian food
Lacks with no Curry
Portland Trailblazers (36-46; 32 games back)
While still adjusting to life without Damian Lillard, the bright side for Blazers fans is, so are the Milwaukee Bucks who haven’t seen him play much either. Quickly, how many players can you name on the Portland Trailblazers? If you can name two, I’ll give you a treat. A treat of not having to watch this team play basketball. I’ll give the Blazers a pass as they’re rebuilding and the youngest team in the league. They proved feisty at times and even rattled off a streak in the middle of the season where they won ten of eleven games. That was short-lived, however, for if you take that streak away, you have a woefully unprepared basketball team. This summer they’ll continue their rebuilding process but making the top ten teams in a talented Western Conference might take more than just one season and one full year older.
J-Dub:
Betting future here
Is for fools, Portland always
Has no tomorrow
The hope of morning’s rays
Always sunburns the Blazers
Dawn can stay dark too
San Antonio Spurs (34-48; 34 games back)
SportsChump: I suppose it’s somewhat safe to give the Spurs a pass here as at least they have something to hang their hats on, a player who many consider will one day be the best in the league. He’s shown signs of brilliance putting up numbers, when healthy, that turn heads. But he’s going to need help. San Antonio traded for De’Aaron Fox but those two alone won’t get it done. ROY candidate Stephon Castle will round things out but I’m not sure even that’s enough to crack the post-season which is where we all want to see Victor Wembanyama. If I’m the Spurs front office, I’m calling Milwaukee and asking them what they want for Giannis Antetokounmpo. Any player not mentioned in this paragraph is expendable.
J-Dub:
Popovich had a stroke
Wemby went deep vein thrombosis
Spurs need specialist
Haiku’s limits make
Cardiovascular surgeon
Really tough to use
New Orleans Pelicans (21-61; 47 games back)
The only good thing about watching the Pelicans play basketball is that the French Quarter is relatively close by so you can go get black out drunk for cheap and forget you ever watched this basketball team. I’ll hereby refrain from low-flying, fat jokes but what is this team going to do with Zion Williamson? This seems like a breakup waiting to happen. Either he can’t stay on the court, or they don’t want him to but it’s time to kick the tires on this guy full time already. Did you know that since 2019, Zion Williamson has played in 214 games? That’s Embiid-like frequency. If you include the year that he sat out due to injury, and why wouldn’t you, he’s averaging only 35 games a season. I looked up his post-season game stats only to find that Zion Williamson hasn’t played in any. Losing Trey Murphy this season hurt, and I can’t imagine too many in the area consider the CJ McCollum deal a win but the storm cloud looming over NOLA is what to do about Zion. He’s under contract for three more years but $40 million is a lot to pay for a uniform that never gets sweaty. One can only assume a change of scenery is necessary. Considering there are other teams trapped with deals they’re looking to unload, perhaps their new GM (they fired David Griffin and hired Joe Dumars) will be able to put something together. Until then, expect more mediocrity.
J-Dub:
The Crescent City
No place for the NBA
Jazz then Pelicans
Zion thing won’t work
Bourbon oak is for barrels
Not meant for hardwood
Utah Jazz (17-65; 51 games back)
How the hell do you finish 51 games back in an 82-game season? That means you’re essentially eliminated in December. I understand that OKC ran away with the West, but Utah was bad from the start, losing their first six games, and never looked back. They lost four in a row, five in a row, three in a row, another five in a row, eight in a row, ten in a row and lost eleven of their last twelve ball games, which means if you saw the Jazz win a basketball game this season, you saw something special. The Jazz were as dysfunctional as a Thelonious Monk piano solo or a Charlie Parker sax improv yet not nearly as artistic. What’s odd is that there’s young talent on this team. They just couldn’t stop anyone from scoring, dead last in the league in points allowed. They also turned the ball over more than any other team in the league. Can’t score + can’t stop a team from scoring = why you only won 20% of your games and posted the worst record in the history of the franchise.
J-Dub:
Utah is to Jazz
Is not as bad a fit as
Mormons in New Orleans
Possible between
Olympics and NHL
Now a “hockey” town?
Here’s a vote for limericks!
Bill, I’ll bring it up at the next meeting.