I wish I could write jokes. I mean JOKES jokes. Like funny ones.
After devouring Lorne Michaels biography, I’m currently reading Rodney Dangerfield’s and just did a deep dive into his 1969 album release I Don’t Get No Respect. Brilliant one-liners, still funny over fifty years later.
I was raised on George Carlin, Steve Martin and every generation of Saturday Night Live since its inception. I still crack up to Norm MacDonald or Mitch Hedberg, Jim Gaffigan or Dave Chappelle. I have an unhealthy obsession with the work of Doug Kenney (if you don’t know who that is, please veer off this website and look him up immediately). And I’ll fight anyone who even hints that Eddie Murphy isn’t the funniest man to ever live.
Sure, I’ve written a few gut-tickling tidbits over this site’s 16 years of existence (yes, this blog is now old enough to drive) but to write joke after quality banger for years like Herb Sargent, Jim Downey, Robert Smigel or Alan Zweibel (look them up too) is, I’m afraid, well beyond my means.
This, dear friends, is where you come in.
Call it a comedy contest if you will, the first ever of this website’s kind, where the funniest, most creative entry will not only receive a handsome SportsChump T-shirt (not embroidered) but also the honor of saying they won our first ever Joke-Off.
Recently, in the multitude of emails I receive daily (I need a secretary), I found a New York Times article reporting that the TSA had officially eliminated the need to remove one’s shoes before passing through travel security.
Any self-respecting American who has visited an airport since 9/11 understands the need for precaution. Despite the effort it takes to disrobe in front of uniformed strangers to prove there are no weapons attached to my belt or no trace of Trump porn on my laptop, I respect the sacrifice and look side-eyed at anyone that bitches in line.
But praise Tee-SAS, that sacrifice is now gone!
To celebrate now keeping our pants on at the airport, join me, if you will, in a joke writing adventure. Remember earlier when I occasionally write something funny? Here were my first, second and third tries when this news came to light…
Crickets. These Tweets won’t be hitting John Oliver’s suggestion box any time soon.
Now, it’s your turn. Make me chuckle the heartiest with your TSA-enlightened no shoes joke and in addition to a brand new, handcrafted SportsChump t-shirt (still not embroidered) and your plaque in our joke-writing Hall of Fame, our winner will receive one free, partially crumbled ticket stub from my latest vacation, one used pair of shoes (size varies) and a thorough and solid frisking.
You can leave your hat on.
Not surprised TSA ended the shoe removal requirement with all the debate on how to handle the VANS-sexuals.
I tried. Lol
B…
Vansexuals have a checkered past.
Boom!
The TSA has finally gotten rid of the rule that you have to take your shoes off to go through security. Now if only they could create a rule that you have to keep your shoes on during the flight.
T.S.A. has officially ended the shoe-removal requirement at airports.
But now is requiring you to touch your nose with your tongue….. But there’s a catch…. They will except letting someone else touch their tongue to your nose if you’re not able to.
Milhouse…
I can smell that joke from here. Nicely done.
Dirk…
Welcome to the fracas.
And that airlines you suggest?
I might be interested in hitching a ride.
But of course, I say that tongue-in-cheek.
TSA changed the liquids policy right after I purchased a set of 1oz bottle, now they changed the shoe policy right after I bought my slip on travel shoes. I guess we all know what they are going to change next leaving me with a bunch of useless extra large plastic Easter eggs.