Putting penises where they don’t belong

Yes, I know.  The headline of this post, “Putting penises where they don’t belong,” could easily be the title of my highly inappropriate autobiography, however, I believe you’ll find the following two stories a little harder to swallow. 

Perhaps you’ve heard that the WNBA, officially America’s most resented professional sports league, has encountered a smattering of inappropriate pranks over the last few months.  That’s right.  We’ve let the dildos hit the floor.

For some unknown reason, other than he thought it might be funny, some jerk off initially got the bright idea to sneak a sex toy into a WNBA arena and throw it on the basketball court.  This phallic fad grew larger and is now, unfortunately, a thing, as multiple different WNBA games throughout the nation have been interrupted by this johnsonry.  Sophomorically comical at first, that doesn’t change the fact that the act is unsafe and hardly inventive. 

The last time someone had the balls to throw something at an NBA player, Ron Artest went up into the stands and beat the shit out of him.  I can think of nothing more gratifying than a bunch of WNBA players running into the stands to rabbit punch the crap out of the fan with the very same dildo he’d snuck into the building.  Lord knows where he kept it. 

We don’t see this happening at US women’s soccer matches, gymnastics, tennis or any other sport but for some reason, the WNBA has been attracting its own form of purple rain. 

This “epenidemic” has grown so significantly that various, verifiable social media accounts mistakenly reported that handbags were no longer allowed inside these sporting events.  The WNBA has since denied that rumor, despite going through great lengths to up harden security.

Let’s break down the commitment it must take to carry through with this dickless crime.  Those dedicated enough to want to make some sort of statement by throwing a dildo onto a woman’s basketball court means they a) went out of their way to go to a sex shop, or pollute their likely already unclean Amazon profile with a vibrator search to b) spend their hard earned money on sex toys (don’t ask me how I know, but these things are generally not cheap) to c) also paying for at least one ticket to a WNBA game, probably close enough to the floor, which can’t be cheap either and d) running the risk of being caught by security and arrested for assault with a plastic penis.  While I commend the effort, it’s not a bullet point you want on your resume.

Once jumping through all those hoops, they are then free to do with the penis as they please, which means hurling it onto the parquet floor and forcing a game stoppage until the paraphernalia can be safely removed.

Don’t get me wrong, it would be amusing to hear the PA announcer tell the crowd to “Please refrain from throwing sex objects onto the floor” just to see how he’d word it, while the vast collection of cocks is swiftly swept up by security.  I can neither confirm nor deny that they are now officially calling lost and found areas at WNBA games “Dicks in a Box.”

We don’t see embittered women who feel the NBA is forced down our throats, throwing pockets vaginas at male sporting events or NFL football fields or baseball diamonds, although upon writing this, at the recent Fedex Cup, some tool tossed a green dildo onto the golf course, continuing the trend.  At this rate, within four to eight years, the dildo toss might become an Olympic sport.

We get it, gentlemen.  You don’t like the WNBA.  I’ll even listen to the argument that the league has been aggressively marketed.  But that’s why God invented the remote control.  For you to change the channel. 

And I’m pretty sure he didn’t invent the dildo to be thrown into a crowd of people.  Although, I suppose that depends entirely on the type of party you’re attending.

Just when you thought we were done with all that cock talk, let’s move onto a rather unfortunate incident and the kid in the newsroom who placed out of his spelling bee.

By now, you have heard of Michael Penix, Jr, the Atlanta Falcons quarterback who led his Washington Huskies to the national championship game only to come up short.

This poor guy, with the easily misspelled last name, has undoubtedly been subject to penis jokes his entire life.  I guarantee you there’s not a gag he hasn’t heard.

I can relate.  The odd spelling of my last name “Humpherys” has had people misspelling it all my life.  I even had one junior high school administrator try to convince me I was spelling my name wrong.  So, I threw a sex toy on the exam room floor in protest. 

And so, we move to Michael Penix, Jr, who can now add local Atlanta media to those who are in on the joke.  Penix probably didn’t bat an eye. 

One would think the newsroom would take the time to spell his last name right.  I mean, he’s only the starting quarterback for the city’s NFL team.

This latest incident won’t be the first, nor the last, time some network misspells Penix’s last name for all viewers to see.  It may have been someone’s fault.  It may have been auto correct but nevertheless, some ding-a-ling is going to have to explain to his next employer why his last job gave him the shaft. 

So ends our tale of inappropriate penises, for now at least.  Gentlemen, from here on out, let’s do our best to keep them in our pants unless instructed otherwise.

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