Foreigner Trolling Twitter to Play Swift-Kelce Wedding Officially Marks Death of Rock and Roll

I love Foreigner.  Always have.

Long before they released their standout love ballad “I Want to Know What Love Is,” the only number one hit of their career, I’d sing their greatest hits album through and through.  This was back when, at only 16 years old, I could still hit those notes… or at least tell myself I could.

I’d belt out the songs in order as they played from my Walkman.  “Cold As Ice,” “Double Vision,” “Head Games,” “Waiting for a Girl Like You,” “Urgent,” “Long, Long Way from Home,” “Hot-Blooded.”  Like any 70s and 80s rock band, Foreigner’s music spoke to me.  While their lyrics are not entirely devoid of metaphor, it didn’t take much for the average teenage boy to decipher the hidden meaning behind “Feels Like the First Time.”  Whether or not you played an instrument, “Jukebox Hero” perfectly illustrated every kid’s dream to become a rock and roll star.  Foreigner was the perfect pop rock sound for a kid to grow up to, to relate to, with Lou Gramm’s buttery voice remaining one of the most underrated in rock and roll history.

Decades later, I saw an aging, Gramm-less Foreigner perform live and was terribly disappointed.  While all our rock idols age out of the business eventually, the Foreigner I saw that night toured only with fellow founding member Mick Jones.  Gramm had been replaced with another lead singer, and I use that term lightly, perhaps even incorrectly, for Lou Gramm can never be replaced.

While bands like Journey substituted iconic front man Steve Perry with a man who sounds nearly identical, Foreigner did no such thing, replacing Gramm with a singer who sounded nothing like him, giving the band an altogether different vibe and, in my mind at least, not true to the band’s origins.  Even Chicago has a guy touring with them who can hit those Peter Cetera notes.  That’s what we fans come to see.

I’m not sure when a band no longer counts as that band as their members die off or retire.  This much is up for debate.  All I can say is I didn’t enjoy the Foreigner show, but that’s beside the point.

Things have gotten worse.

Foreigner has officially resorted to playing wedding gigs or at least trolling the Twitterverse looking for them.  Hey hey, my my.  That Neil Young is full of shit.

Check out this latest post from the band’s Twitter profile.

I’m not sure this officially marks the end of rock and roll but a band resorting to these tactics might be the least rock and roll thing ever.  That combined with the fact that there’s no way in hell Swift or Kelce would even consider hiring them for the gig means rock is officially dead or at least old and out of touch.

There are wedding gigs and there are wedding gigs, the eventual Taylor Swift-Travis Kelce nuptials ranking among the most grandiose parties you’d ever want to attend, America’s new royal couple tying the knot with brother Jason Kelce inevitably being reprimanded for drinking directly from the punch bowl.

But Foreigner, despite their undisputed legacy in the genre, hasn’t been relevant in years.  They haven’t put out meaningful music, or at least chart-topping music since before Kelce was born.  And while talented pop and country music icon Taylor Swift has probably heard of Foreigner, I’m guessing their greatest hits album isn’t in her six-disc changer.  What makes them think America’s newest power couple would want anything to do with them?  Plus, and how about this, Foreigner is not fucking wedding music.  They covering “Celebration” and “Macarena” now for a quick paycheck? 

Maybe I’m making too much of this, but it just seemed like an odd way to go about things.  I understand that social media is a great way to network and perhaps even find your next job.  I found my current job after connecting with an old friend on Facebook.  But a Hall of Fame rock and roll band trolling Twitter for work just seems like it’s pandering.

While Van Halen remains among my favorite bands ever, and that will never change, I couldn’t bring myself to pay good money to see David Lee Roth’s latest tour.  Arguably the greatest front man, or at least most charismatic, of all time, Roth’s latest go round left a lot to be desired, or so the reviews told us.  At 70, no fan expected him to parade around in skintight pants or gobble up historic amounts of cocaine backstage, even though both probably still happened.  Over the past few years, I’ve seen McCartney, Sting, Joel, Steve Miller, Sammy Hagar, Doobie Brothers, Men at Work, all into their 70s, all while still feeling internally young, perhaps even refusing to succumb to their actual age, have adjusted their acts to the times.  Roth might be the last in line to do so.  And now, Foreigner has added a “Hire Me” button to their website for wedding planners.  Suddenly, I feel old.  My old denim jacket with holes in its sleeves is less depressing.

I joked the other day that I’ve officially reached the age where supermarket clerks ask me if I need help carrying groceries to my car.  Perhaps it was the headband and leopard print pants I wore shopping that day that gave away my age and yes, you’re welcome for the visual.  I respectfully declined the bagger’s offer, then hopped on the back two wheels of my shopping cart and skateboarded feverishly to my ride.  I put my key in the ignition, revved the engine and immediately cranked up the volume to “Dirty White Boy” as I drove off in my sporty sedan. 

I’m not sure Lou Gramm can still hit the notes he pumped out in the 70s and 80s or whether Mick Jones can still slay.  I do know that regardless of whose wedding it is, when their music comes on the radio, I’ll still belt it out as best I can at the top of my lungs like I did when I was a teenager.  That much will never change either.

And if you’re getting hitched anytime soon, I know a band looking for work.  You can find me by the punch bowl in the Patin leather pants right next to the Brothers Kelce, tapping my foot to the beat.

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